shalom

TO DO 10/31/11

2011-10-31T06:14:00.000-07:00

Working on connecting with the energy that flows at a constant. Beyond happiness and despair. An inner light that goes on regardless of my mood, strength, and awareness whose only concern and fuel is breath. Renew attempts at recognition as the day goes on. Remind myself of the brightness by closing my eyes periodically. Study my breath. Forget to relax and relax. Connect and open my eyes.

Probably not even enough water left in this thing to get my feet wet.

2010-10-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

No thinking. Never bored. Always just okay. Process. The internet. Until I get into bed. Terror. Nothing but wind and a monitor glows. Sweat. The alarm. Not water proof.

been falling asleep to documentaries, again.

2010-02-25T22:20:00.001-08:00

Listening to Coast to Coast A.M. in the breakfast nook. It's a bit past midnight. Pretty stoned. A bottle of wine. I also have a quarter of a brownie that my sister got at the co-op. Matt just experienced ball lightning.

So obviously it's a really good night. Got dumped again a few weeks ago. Never mentioned that I guess to a lot of people. But I don't think I mentioned to most people that we had gotten back together last month.

Eh, whatever. Just got back from a show. Left early.

Weird social scenes? Everyones fault.

According to this lady George Noory is talking to Capricorns (moi) have a great love of communication and should either make the speech they've been thinking about making and/or they're going to receive that text message they've been waiting for.

I don't know the time tables on these things. I'm sure I'm gonna get a thousand text messages.

America is a Cancer country. Born on the 4th of July.

Matt's alarm clock is fried from ball lightning. But his money is beginning to flow.

Not so worried anymore. In just a moment we're going to hear about the future.

Happy MLK Day

2010-01-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm working. Didn't take the day off. It's not given to us even though the market and the banks are closed. It's dead ass slow right now. I mean, obviously if I'm updating my blog. Kind of ironic I suppose. I'm at work on this day that we're given off by the government to honor Martin Luther King Jr. with the spirit of community service and good deeds and all that and here I am in my home office in my p.j.'s looking at the internet.

So that's where I'm at right now. Had a pretty big, nice weekend. Oh, I got dumped last Sunday. Been staying active since. Played some basketball, been out to eat a few times with different friends, went to a couple shows, talked to Brooks for the first time in a friendly manner in about a year or so, saw an Iowa wrestling meet with Noel and Shawn, had lunch with the recent ex yesterday.

Not quite sure where things are going with that one. Might post more on that in the future.

Just got off the phone with my boss. Got a GLOWING review for 2009. That felt pretty good. Should mean a decent bonus and a raise. It's kinda funny because I gave myself a very poor review on the self evaluation. She said I sounded like Eeyore.

Well that's good, because for the most part 2009 sucked job-wise. So I'm glad it paid off.

Speaking of jobs I'm going to get back to it. Sorta. Still dead as it could be. It's kinda nice.

15 minutes till I run out of battery

2010-01-10T09:34:00.000-08:00

Too tired, lazy, hungover, to go grab the charger. Watched a few episodes of This American Life on netflix. Might try and get some more sleep. Fell asleep last night on the couch watching Saw after I came home from the bar crawl. Todd put me in a cab so I didn't have to walk home. Cvak's leaving. Moving on to Florida, the University of. Nate and Brienne might be moving to Iowa City soon. That'd be nice. I think. Yeah. I'm sure not every time hanging out with them will precede a hangover. It sounds like Matt is awake. I just heard the snaphiss of the morning's first Mt. Dew. Which is clearance for me to play some guitar. Communication between roommates is key.

versus Atlanta

2010-01-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, eight and a half minutes left. Down by 10. Zero hustle. Every shot is short. Pierce is barely alive. These guys are old. The Hawks are young. We're settling for the three. Especially Sheed. The world could be full of pain and despair. Oh, and a ridiculous four point play by Jamal Crawford is coming up. One that makes NO sense whatsoever. Crawford is in the corner with 14 seconds left on the shot clock and decides for SOME reason to throw it up and gets fouled as he sinks the three. When things like this happen and you're on the team that it's happening to you don't win the game. Schepker just called me for the first time in months. Ignored. But, to be fair I am watching the Celtics. So, I'd pretty much ignore anyone's call at this point. Especially non-males. Tomorrow is Cvak's bar crawl going away party. There's special t-shirts involved. I think Chris needs a special penis hat for the event. Oh, speaking of bachelorette parties I'm going to be one of Kathleen's bridesmaids. Pretty stoked on that. C's have cut their deficit to 4. Peace.

It's New Year's Eve and I just found out.

2009-12-31T13:39:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. But it did just dawn on me yesterday. And now it's starting to sink in. Nothing epic is sinking. Just the reality of having to attend a party I don't really want to go to tonight to appease the girlfriend.

But it's quite nice to have a girlfriend (especially this one) to appease so I'm not complaining in the least. Well, maybe just a little. It'd be weird if I didn't.

Got some New Year's Resolutions planned out.

1. Play music in a band (the inclusion of this on the list year after year is getting somewhat increasingly pathetic).

2. Go see a therapist (see above).

3. Never be late for work. I have almost no excuses.

4. Be a twenty-something. Still not 30.

I liked these so much more before I decided to share them.

At work right now. This is probably the first time in 3 months where I've had a chance to do something non-work related while not on a break. What a shitstorm of a fourth quarter.

The Celtics are in big trouble this year. Sheed is a bust. So is Daniels. Rondo can't hit a free throw if a game against the Clippers depended on it. KG has a glass knee. Perkins is the pout master. Ray-Ray way past his prime. Pierce is old as fuck. And Glen Davis is an idiot. Why didn't I see this coming? Or rather, why did I see it coming and choose to ignore it?

At least we crushed Orlando on Christmas.

Still haven't really had a Christmas yet with the family. Susan and Colin came over on the day and watched the game with me. But no real gift exchange stuff.

Birthday was pretty great. I gotta give it to Lindsay. She really went all out. Ice cream birthday cake made from scratch. A mountain of presents. Couldn't have made a guy feel better.

Kevin Koppes. Holy fucking shit. I think everyone's envious of the Poo Log. It's the first time I've seen people actually jealous over the fact that they didn't think of that.

Ben Torgerson. It was too bad we didn't get to spend as much time together as we had hoped. But it was well worth it. And now I have a pile of Dragonlance books to distract me from Game of Thrones. Well played Torgo. Well played.

Jae Choi, it was great to see her too and to have some real quality friend time. Bummer there were no Blazer home games during my visit. Did get to watch a game at a bar with Will Kapp and Ben. I think they hit it off. Though I'm sure both we're skeptical of the other prior to conversation.

Warren is awesome. Who isn't going to love a guy that plays in a badminton league with octogenarians?

Turns out Lindsay and I were at the same Blink 182 concert 9 years ago. I was 20. She was 13. I actually remember seeing her there. Weird.

Slightly creepy.

Half an hour left of work. Susan and Colin are coming over around 5 to test out my new Wii. Fucking shit I love that thing. My fat ass could use the movement too.

Joining a rec basketball league with Shawn in January. Trying to put together at least a ten man team. I won't mind getting outplayed, just don't want any injuries. Might have to get NBA 2k10. Looks like lots of moving around is required.

I tried to do this blog Ben-style. Let me know if I succeeded.

New Blog

2009-12-26T10:06:00.000-08:00

Gotta get up today and run some errands. The holidays are almost over. Tomorrow should be the final gift exchange. Still don't have anything yet for my brother Andy. Might not have anything by tomorrow. I'll feel like an ass if I don't but that's just the way things are.

It's coming down pretty good right now. I see it out 3 different windows in my room as I lie in bed with my cat. This doesn't bode well for getting anything done today. I have such an opportunity though, right now, to get so much accomplished. No work, all friends are out of town or are at work, no familial obligations due to weather. And I bet the laundromat is dead silent today. The one right next to Jimmy John's. I could be eating sub after sub after sub while reading and washing clothes. Fuck. I haven't had clean clothes in a few weeks.

I'm 29 years old. Newly though. Probably shouldn't rush into anything just yet. It's best to ease into a new way of doing things. Especially as an older person because things will be done. Like laundry. And maybe some shopping. Oh boy. I should make some coffee.

oh hai!

2009-09-18T19:00:00.001-07:00

Holy shit it has been a while, blog. I suppose a lot has gone on. Biggest goings-on include 1.) me completing a move back to Iowa City and 2.) my sister moved to Chicago and 3.) I'm picking her up on Monday and she's moving back in with Dad.

It's where she needs to be right now. I think it's best for her and for Dad. Hopefully we can get the doctor thing for her figured out so she doesn't have to commute to Chicago twice a month.

N.B.A. preseason kicks off October 1st. Regular season on the 27th. Still haven't really figured out this ESPN360 thing. Maybe it's my browser. Safari can't handle it for some reason. Firefox sorta can. What are my other options? I know of none.

Oh, I have a giant LCD t.v. I thought about taking it back. Turns out I just need some expensive cables. And a PS3. Then it will look awesome? So I am told.

I changed my phone number. Hit me up if you don't have it. I changed my voicemail prompt that everyone hated. It's a K.K. original. It's way better than actually talking to me.

I'm sitting in my "breakfast nook" in my new apartment with my cat, my computer, a Bill Simmons' podcast, a cup of coffee, and my sister is continually moving closer and closer to where I live.

That's the silver lining. It's really been a shitty, shitty week.

the return of the to-do

2009-03-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

Very exciting. Yes. Making lists. Crossing shit off. Instant satisfaction. With no further ado, the crap I need to get done before Friday:

1. Finish my "brand plan" for work. Don't even get me fucking started. CHECK

2. Finish my "development plan" for work. See #1. ROUGH DRAFTED

3. Edit the track recorded with Rachel and Matt and bounce it to mp3ville. Try and do the same with the Troubadour tracks.

4. Work on bicycle. What the fuck is wrong with those gears??

5. Get some damn laces for my Jordans and an air pump for my rock.

6. 200 crunches.

7. 100 push ups.

8. Stop giving life over to negativity.

9. Breathe.

10. Relax.

mbp

2009-03-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

It's here and it's better than I thought it could be and all I've done so far is register my extended warranty and installed a few programs. I'm almost a little nervous to boot up Logic and plug in the Duet. I feel like we should get to know one another a little bit at first. So I'll just type for a bit. Cruise the keyboard, spell out a few things.

Watching the History channel right now with my dad. Thank everything it's not a program about World War II. Crile, you are right, there's plenty more I could learn on this subject. But not on this channel. But right now The Universe is on so instead of hearing all about Hitler I'm hearing all about parallel universes, M theory, the Bulk (my personal favorite), the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and all sorts of great stuff. There's gotta be some Nicholas Cage movie coming out. That's the only time you see non Hitler/Jesus programs on this station.

"In one universe we have a live cat, in another we have a dead cat. Get used to it." I'm trying...

So all this ignited a conversation between Dad and I about the legitimacy of string theory and practical applications for the knowledge of parallel dimensions. I was trying to explain the implications it could have on the notion of identity; after all, if there's more than one "me" running around that's got to turn the whole traditional concept of personal experience and perspective on its head, right? Not to mention our perception of free-will and responsibility - cuz, like, what if our decisions are influencing the decisions our counterpart dopplegangers? If particles can be in two places at once apparently that means so can the particles the spark an idea in our brains - in one universe the particle goes one way and in one universe it goes another: two different outcomes! But what's the origin, where does that spark come from? Kaballah talks about raising the sparks of our souls to G-d through good deeds, prayer, and meditation. We're all evolving along this line of existence spewing our seeds of life and thought across this dimension into the next through the filter of the Almighty.

Dad was hung up on the concept of a mirror universe. Wouldn't and couldn't buy into it. For some reason this sort of ultimate redundancy, to him, is a great waste. Maybe it would be. I couldn't say. We continued to try and talk over the commercials. I would shout for the mute then a quiet commercial would come on and he would just say, "see." Though I was, for once, playing the History channel's advocate now that it was finally giving me something other than "what if the Nazis had The Bomb?" the television was still completely on his side.

But we both shut up once The Universe delivered its somewhat neatly wrapped package: THE PRACTICAL PURPOSE OF THE EXISTENCE OF MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS - we might be able to go to one of these someday when our universe craps out on itself. Oh. Nice.

So that all happened. Dad went to bed. I poured a glass of wine and took the bird out of her cage. She only comes out after he goes to bed. Gary's terrified she'll chew the wood work or shit on something. Point of this all is I'm glad we actually talked and debated something. I don't know why it is but 9 times out of 10 he and I talk it's not he and I talking - it's me listening to him go off about something he loves (Wyatt Earp, World War II, Cool Jazz) or something he strongly dislikes (just about everything else). And trust me, he's always been like this. I think the loss of Mom has made it more vitriolic. I've actually heard him drop the F bomb a few times ("fucking Nazis"). And I could play along, sometimes I even try. I begin by envisioning Kevin and/or Ben in the backseat getting the hugest kick ever out of everything Gary spits. I try to switch my reality with the one they would be experiencing or the one they are experiencing in the parallel universe. But that sort of transubstantiation just doesn't work when it's your dad. I'm going to leave it at that for now. It's getting late and the wine is setting in. I'm happy for today. I am thankful for it. And nothing was really that different about it than any other since I've moved back. I like that. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.

saturday night is alright (for fighting)

2009-02-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

That's an Elton John song, by the way, the title to this blog. Let's just get that out of the way to start out with so no one gets the wrong idea. There wasn't anything close to fighting going on today. I don't know why but it's always the first thing that pops in my head anytime the words "Saturday" and "night" are conjoined in the same sentence. And I've never even heard the song.

So this was a chill out day. Study the moods sort of day. Keep Dad company and fly through the netflix rentals sort of evening. Finished Fanny & Alexander (the FAR superior television version - how often does one get to say that?) and watched the Squid and the Whale. Probably won't be going back to the Squid and the Whale, definitely won't be going back to it as often as I'll continue to revisit Fanny & Alexander.

Last night was a good and bad night for me. Remember how in my last post I concluded things by saying something about how I gotta "get out there" and "start doing stuff" and insecurities weren't so much a "big deal" in these parts for me anymore? Well, lesson learned is (yet again) don't write checks your blog can't cash. Had a jam with Mark and Chouser, went reasonably well. We got pretty fucked up over the course of it. Had to play extra loud since Havlin's band was practicing on the other side of the wall. That was a collison I had wanted to avoid. Not Havlin personally, just was hoping to have a night where things could get accomplished. But as a result of two bands having to play over the top of each other all night it ended up just being fun. I mean, there could've been some productivity in there - it's always good to get out there and play with people. But it would've been nice to lay some shit out, get Chouser acclaimated to the sound so that he could see if it'd be his style or not (his first jam with Mark and me). I can tell it's probably not his bag, which is fine, I'm pretty sure the world isn't quite ready yet either.

Macbook Pro will be here a lot sooner than expected. Ships now March 3rd instead of the 21st. So stoked. At work, in between calls, I pretty much just read articles and watch videos and look at pics of this stupid computer. It's pathetic and if I had to wait until later March to actually get it I'm sure my penis would've turned itself inside out. Once that arrives I may just go into recording seclusion and emerge every now and then in search of guest musicians. If anyone can play some hot trumpet for me let's get in touch. I've got some parts in mind for you. Okay, the battery is about to die on this thing. So I'm gonna finish up chatting with Paul on facebook and go to bed. Peace.

2009-02-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Death cannot say what you've already lost,
hold on to those you hold dear - Jason Spaceman

I sat down at my desk to do some research on the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of income tax. My dad and I were watching MSNBC and somehow or another this topic comes up between he and I at least, oh, maybe once every two months. I always take the contrarian position - "but Dad, I TOTALLY saw this documentary on Netflix that says income tax is illegal cuz the constitution says that Congress can't impose any direct tax on the wages of the citizens." Dad - "jesus christ, you really think that Bill Gates, General Motors, IBM, guys who have attorneys on million-dollar-a-day retainers, would even let something like an income tax go if there was even a shred of a possibility that it could be overturned?? Jesus Christ. The common sense!" Finally, after we go back and forth for a while I hear the magic words - "prove it!"

It's just as fun to lob softballs at my dad as it is to Kevin. Reactions are similar, but Kevin is a little more in on it.

So I run downstairs and start googling things like "constitutionality of income tax" which invariably leads me to wikipedia, the source of all knowledge. Pretty soon I find out about this thing called the Sixteenth Ammendment and I give up any hope of finding a roundabout argument to present to Gary to repeal the income tax.

Now I'm trying to blog. I can't express how unnecessarily hard this is for me. I don't know why I bother. Bothering is not the point. You're just supposed to word vomit to the world and that's that. I will never allow anything to be easy.

I will say, though, that life is starting to rebound. Maybe it's the extra sun, the extra temperature, the extra getting to know people. Maybe it's just the passage of time. It doesn't heal everything, but it gives and creates perspective. Sounds obvious and cliche. But I guess people say it over and over because it has some truth to it. Some things, some people, can't be replaced. Shouldn't be replaced. What can you do if there's nothing to do other than remember? You hold on to what you have, I guess.

I've met some great people over the course of the last month or two. I don't know why but it's coming so easy. It never worked like this in Minneapolis. Maybe this means this is my home. This is my element. The base of operations. Where everybody knows my name. That sort of thing. I actually feel able here to not let little insecurities overwhelm me. This is where I know there are people in my corner. I hesitated last night when talking with a friend about this being my home. I should not have. This IS my home. It has no other choice. I am bound to it and it is bound to me. There's a relationship. There's responsibility.

And time makes it harder
where words already failed,
hold on to those you hold dear.

There's only so much time! This might be the most frustrating and obvious thing of all. Frustrating because we'll never have the personal experience until the end. Sure, we'll see it happen to others, but when it happens to you, when you're watching your very own last few grains of sand trickle to the bottom of the glass, when you actually know that they are yours and they are going and almost gone, it'll be too late to savor the experience. There's no pause button that we know of, Obvious because everything ends and maybe you'll have so many regrets of waking up in the morning lost, unsure, embarassed, and cotton-mouthed, stumbling. There aren't enough doors to get you through this. No one has an answer. No one even pretends to speak the languages you speak.

So if we can't be replaced, if your smile is unique, and your hair is a shade of black that no one else's is (because it is), and you hear something different in every song, or taste some beautiful new regret with every sip, I think we should hear about it. There's gotta be some kind of record for all this. A great book somewhere. We're writing in it all the time. I want to do more of this whatever the outcome.

Where I am at.

2009-01-27T18:47:00.000-08:00

Nothing comes to mind.

sweet dreams

2009-01-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago I dreamt that I was speaking with what I'm guessing now was an angel of some sorts. I was in a dark room, alone, eyes closed, and in my mind's eye I could see a large silhouette of a head, bluish-green, and it spoke to me. It was offering me in exchange for my life the opportunity to help him with whatever it was he was in charge of doing for eternity. There would be no chance of an afterlife in paradise or hell, just a safe bet, the sure thing of having a place to go and the promise of an everlasting usefulness. It wouldn't be constant toil, I wouldn't be a slave, just a worker on another plane of existence with my own life and free will - to an extant.

I told him I couldn't commit to something like this immediately. Obviously, it's a big, big decision. So he gave me the opportunity to test it out, to intern for a day to see how it fits. All I can remember about the job is climbing a wall of constantly shifting file folders. It was almost like it was its own living entity; there was purpose to the shifts - files would move around and conjoin with other files - it was computing, it was processing. In fact, I remember now it was introduced to me as a computer. It had an inbox and an outbox at the top. That's all I can recall about that. Later, after work I went to a beach with my son - which was apparently one of the perks/requirements of the job. I was given a child to look raise. We went into the water at the beach, him on my shoulders and we were attacked by these prehistoric looking fish with there terrible razor teeth. I'm pretty sure they ate him and I ran out of the water thinking at least I was safe (I had no emotional connection to this child) until one scurried up onto the beach and went for my leg. That's when I woke up.

Last night's dreams were a little more interesting I think. The first one was brief but a good one. I was walking along a ditch that had a metal fence going down the middle of it. It was a long ditch and as I'm trotting along a crow flies down and comes at me from the other side of the fence. It was enormous, as big as me, and it gets caught in the fence. So now it's stuck in the wires and it can still move down the fence but it can't get out of it. It's trying to get at me through the fence, biting at cawing me all the while. I keep heading down the path and it's keeping up with me until we get to the end of the fence. On my side of the ditch, at the end of the path slumped against the slope of the ditch and asleep was my father. The crow worked itself free and went in for the attack on my dad. Somehow or another I took it out, severed its head and after it was dead it morphed into Milhouse from The Simpsons. Yeah.

So then I woke up, turned off the television, and went back to sleep and started dreaming about some war-shrouded world where I lived with a bunch of roommates from the past (Mark, Crile, Ben, etc) and we were escaping town because we were obviously wanted individuals. Luckily though, we had a terminator helping us out and fighting off all the helicopters and jeeps and machine guns that were after us. I remember getting hit in the arm, Mark was plugged pretty solidly all around, and then Crile took the wheel of the London-style double decker bus we were cruising on out with. Bad move on letting Crile take the wheel. He tips the thing taking a turn through a hotel parking lot too fast and I start to jump out and then I'm awake, pissed that I'm back to this boredom, bladder full, and still in need of so much sleep with only an hour until I have to be in my chair with the headset on and taking calls.

Going to Riverside tonight with my dad. Time to honor one of my new year's resolutions and play some poker.

>,

2009-01-13T10:12:00.001-08:00

Slow day at work so I'm going to attempt to blog between calls rather chat on facebook, which is my usual time-waster. Apparently, it's okay for me to have my personal computer out while I work since it's fine for a home office and virtual agent/work office to cohabitate though they live in sin. I learned this the other day last week when two of my superiors from Minneapolis decided to do a surprise inspection on my office. That was a bit nerve wracking, but it was fine. I did have to go to Wal-Mart that night and get a few things for my station that I should've had.

So I'm watching Clinton's confirmation hearing, "working", eating a triscuit, and looking out a window, wondering what -5 degrees feels like, scratching my "beard", and realizing that I haven't left the house since Friday night after I got home from the hospital. Yes, I went to the hospital, no I'm not going to write on here why. I'm sure I'm okay, I have a consult with a real doctor on Monday, after that I'll get probed and all will be well.

I'm kinda bummed but I think that's mostly due to not leaving the house. As I mentioned it's fucking cold and I put my car in the ditch Thursday night on my way back from Iowa City. Matt can attest to my superior reflexes as I kept the cool and guided us in and out of the ditch. Caused enough damage to the car that it's going to cost a few bucks to get fixed, but not enough damage to keep us from driving home. Other than that, Thursday was a pretty great night. Excellent show, first real good local show (Boris doesn't count) since I've been back. But nothing will shake these blues.

I've tried but when your presence is defined almost completely by the absence of someone else, and that someone else is your mother - it's like trying to play baseball with a ping pong paddle or throwing a punch in a dream. Nothing ever lands. It's a void I confront every waking hour and it's the one thing on my mind as I try to fall asleep. It is crushing and defeating. I feel just as helpless as I did this summer. If it was 60 degrees outside I'd probably still be hiding out in the basement. I could tell you and I can tell myself that I have no idea what to do but we'd both know that that is wrong. I know exactly what I should be doing. I know because when I think about it I feel peace and comfort. But it's not that easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. Or so they say.

.<

2009-01-12T09:42:00.001-08:00

I am surprised by how easy it is to not leave the house for days at a time. To work, live, eat, sleep, all within the same place. Going to Minneapolis this weekend. Hopefully that'll liven things up. So bored/depressed. Wish I had more to say.

Things to avoid in '09

2008-12-29T21:12:00.001-08:00

in no particular order.....

Spending money on Magic Online
Slot Machines/video poker/video blackjack
Beer
Mope time
Facebook
Unrealistic aspirations
Anxiety
Shit talking
Haste

this will grow, I'm sure.

What nervousness is

2008-12-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

To me it can be most accurately described as a pit. A hole somewhere beneath the center that can drag everything else down into it, shitting out whatever whenever it deems itself ready or so full that everything must go. If you are lucky you get brilliance and maybe some kind of insight to the external world. Most often times it just leads to picking and scratching. Anxious twitches. Sleepless nights in blinding darkness with a cat named Underworld Dreams. Gum chewing. At worst self and interpersonal destruction. In the gut of this pit is a little man who screams at you about wasting your time and his. He is hungry. And he can't live off what you're feeding him. If you listen closely, if you listen hard enough and pay real close attention he'll tell you what he needs. But it's never explicit. Or maybe it is but you just don't have the wherewithal to acquire that specific need - because he won't die; so you figure it's okay to keep giving him novels and records, historically accurate and socially conscious documentaries, soy products, a gym membership. He'll shut up for a little bit, doesn't talk with his mouth full. By now you've figured out you have two choices; you can keep consuming and scratching, or you can stop and listen and figure out what it is you can do for yourself to get a decent night's sleep.

convincing myself of a protective fallacy

2008-12-24T17:57:00.000-08:00

I don't have to accomplish anything. I don't have to do anything. There are many things I could be doing. There is no should to any of them. There is an inherent perfection within us all that is poured through a prism of human imperfection and perception. It is great to be around others. It is greatest to be alone.

a sincere thank you for all the birthday wishes

2008-12-23T22:05:00.000-08:00

Little things can be huge. This has been one of the emptiest days of my life. I'm glad we had Saturday.

This is the last poem I'll be posting on here, this and all others past, present, and future will be found by clicking on the link to the right

2008-12-21T16:30:00.001-08:00

that says "poems"

There is no time to collect.
The gatherers won't recognize looks,
but those who hunt will. Your heart
and realization is what the wind drops
as it carries the snow across the highway.
Horses will stand in the streets
and roar as lions with their
jowls slouched toward Bethlehem,
their drivers now the fuel.
The seconds are always the same
as the first. Bringing burden home.
Slowed down you wouldn't know
the difference.

birthday bashed

2008-12-21T15:19:00.000-08:00

This was a great weekend. Went to Iowa City Friday night, got back to Muscatine this morning. Friday I came up for a show at Public Space One. Daughters of the Sun and Sarah Johnson from Minneapolis played. It was good to see Cole and those guys again. We had nice little reunion. I don't think the Iowa City crowd was too into them and they didn't play the best show ever either, but still I wouldn't ever get too bummed out by the lack of reaction from an Iowa City crowd. Nothing against the town or the people, I love em both. But they can be a little tough to win over, I guess. Anyways, got a little drunk, tried to wrestle Jeff, became a "slimey chud" (which is apparently a compliment), gave my keys to Shawn and I crashed on his couch but not before talking about girls until 2 a.m. and the having a conference call with Kevin on speakerphone for the next hour. I guess Shawn and Kevin stayed on the phone till 4:30 a.m. after I passed out. Talking about the scene and frustrations, etc.

Was going to get breakfast with the Daughters of the Sun fellas the next morning but they took off early for Chicago to try and get ahead of the weather. Went to lunch at Masala's with Shawn and his folks, had some great buffet and then went and got my hair done by Michelle at the G-Spot. Michelle's a nice girl, an old Muscatiner. She was there for the '05 birthday fiasco. After the haircut I tried to do some shopping for xmas. Needed to get gifts for my bros kids. Did not want to drive to Coralville. Iowa City must only possess one snow plow. The roads were shit and just did not want to get involved in that mess. Michelle and random G-Spot patron recommended I check out the White Rabbit across the street from Record Collector, I could find some cute clothes for the kids there they said. I was going to Record Collector anyhow so I popped in to check it out. Ended up getting a tiny shirt for Eva, the newest niece; it's blue and has a cassette tape on it. I wanted to get this vintage checkered coat for Alexandra but it was too much money for something she probably wouldn't like anyways, and I know her parents wouldn't have liked it. But the coolest thing about the White Rabbit is that it has this homing beacon that signals every cute 22 year old girl in town towards it. The only bad part is they bring their parents to help them buy all those cool vintage clothes and scarves. Can't ever have too many scarves, I guess. Don't they know I have a job now and can buy them all the scarves they need? Oh well. So xmas shopping was kind of a failure.

Birthday shopping for myself, however, at the Record Collector was a great success! Here's a list of the LP presents I picked out for me:

Night Wounds on Woodsist, artwork by Shawn

Jack Rose - Kensington Blues

Om - Live at Jerusalem

Smashing Pumpkins - Gish

My Bloody Valentine - Loveless

A pretty stellar haul, if I do say so myself. Much thanks to me for having great taste. After that I walked back to Shawn's. We sorta bummed around for a while till about 5 and then decided to brave the cold and go out to Mormon Trek to get some coffee and hang with Kevin. Kevin and I talked about drafting Tempest while Shawn got bored and talked to some girl on the phone for a while, trying to arrange a quick hang before the party. Kevin ended up getting off an hour early and we gave him a ride back since he thought it was an awesome idea to walk to work. By this time it was excruciatingly cold so it was fortuitous that he got off when he did. We drop off Shawn at the girl's place, go back to Kevin's so he can change and then we go back and pick up Shawn. It was really only about a 20 minute hang he had with this girl. They dated for a few months and broke up once he got back from tour. Not quite sure what the point of the hang was. Apparently Shawn's a stud.

So it's cold as fuck out. Not sure if I mentioned that. But we weren't going to drive because it's Iowa City and there's point. Prior to the bar we were meeting up with a few folks at the Sanctuary for dinner. Shawn, Kevin, and I walk/wrestle our way to dinner, meet up with Sarah, Tama, and a few others to eat. Everyone's still complaining about having to go to One Eyed Jake's and some are refusing to go if there's a cover. So it was probably for the best anyhow, we end up going to the Deadwood. It was an excellent time, drank lots of beer, didn't get too out of hand, saw a lot of people, further developed my crush on blonde Deadwood waitress, maintained my birthday promise of not blacking out or going to jail, a straight up success. We ended up going to a house party after bar. Don't know whose house but that was cool. Saw a few more people I knew, put some drunk kid to bed who had passed out in the upstairs hallway (see facebook for picture of said kid), creeped out some girls by sitting uncomfortably close to them on the couch much to the delight of my friends, tried to leave with some furniture, continued success. Except for the Matt Francis part. I could kinda worried that we left him at the party but he made it back to Shawn's just fine. Then I passed out on Shawn's couch again. Didn't even have much of a hangover this morning.

So I'm pretty happy with the way the evenings turned out. It's funny, I saw that kid in the hallway and I couldn't help but think about how that used to be me, all the time at every party. Probably why I helped him out, even though I'm sure whosever bed that was was probably pissed.

whittling

2008-12-14T18:53:00.000-08:00

I didn't wake up until almost 2 p.m. today. Was up till about 4 or 5 a.m. last night. Today has been an absolute waste. Part of me is saying there's no such thing. A waste of a day. At least not in these times. Part of the reason I came home was to lick my wounds. Sometimes that means doing absolutely fucking nothing at all on a Sunday. I've basically been on the couch with my dad, on the computer, while he watches old westerns on t.v. We don't say a whole lot. He'll make a comment, I'll nod in agreement, he'll crack wise, I'll give out a chuckle. I continue to sit with him and the computer.

Kevin and I went to a show on Friday night. Shawn was back from tour and playing at this house over on Van Buren in Iowa City. Turned out to be Alison's old house from when we dated. It wasn't as strange as I thought it'd be. I used to be able to tie significance to just about anything. I used to do a lot of things. Kevin and I didn't seem to have much fun. We kinda sat in the corner and ignored everyone, Shawn was in the requisite coming-back-from-tour-and-I-don't-want-to-be-in-Iowa foul mood, and the atmosphere was just off for the whole thing. I felt like we had just crashed a slumber party we weren't invited to. I mean, I had a lot of friends there - but vibe of the night was not mine, it was full of boredom and cock sucking. Kevin and I got out of there before the last "band" played, right after Shawn's band, Wet Hair, finished. Apparently as Kevin and I were leaving Shawn was getting dumped. Awesome night all around.

What we DO counts.

2008-12-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to second guess my move home. It's not a Muscatine vs. Minneapolis thing. It's not about working from home. It's not about my dad. I love my dad. I'll tell you why: He lined the birdcage with Blogojevich newspaper pictures and didn't say a thing about it. Not because he forgot or didn't want me to notice. He did it because he believes that the bird shitting on an image of his face actually has cosmic repercussions. Now, anyone that knows Gary, and Gary himself, would cry ultimate "bullshit" to that statement. I like to think that it's his intrinsically instilled commitment to the knowledge of empiricism; that all actions, no matter how small have some kind of consequence in the universe.

Echo says "whatever"

2008-12-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

I was reading over a post a few entries back where I was talking about shame. Shame in the morning or sometimes the lack thereof. Defined by its absence I can create and experience new perspectives. Defined by the the stifling presence I retire to the fear-bricked hut of self-loathing and despair. That's kinda common knowledge though. What strikes me now is this guy who has to give up what he doesn't need to, what he shouldn't most often times, in order to have a night out. It's either dignity or money isn't it? There's a price to every interaction. Or maybe just the ones worth talking about the next day. What a sad, little guy. Little buddy.

Finished up Season 3 of Lost and watched the very last episode of The Wire. After four beers I've suddenly lost the desire to gush over television.

I thought I heard my dad crying in bed from the basement where I have my desk and turntable. I checked. It was just the wind. He'd never let me hear him cry. Not now, not as we're trying to make things normal. I'm so glad he talks about her to me because I can't bring myself to do it yet.

Only working till 6 tomorrow. I'll try and get to the Y. Picked up more overtime for next week. You'll probably be hearing much of the same next week as this week in this thing.

Now is probably a good time to go and re-tool the poem all in red.

I need to own things

2008-12-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

Work wasn't so bad today. It went by fairly quickly. I really shouldn't be complaining at all about working overtime in my pajamas while watching The Daily Show and Biggest Loser. I probably only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I didn't get into bed until 2 a.m., fell asleep around 3 or 4, I think. I had this awful dream about a demon fetus in a jar screaming out all these real and unreal secrets my family has. I ended up smashing it with a Donatello-like staff. I've been trying to do those sit-ups in the morning right as I roll out of bed but I'm so tired I lose count by about 20 and probably fall asleep somewhere in the 30's. Probably the only exercise where it's possible to do that. Ya know, since you're on your back and all.

Anyhow, I told myself that when I moved down here "a lot" of things were going to "change." I.E. I was going to purchase big ticket items that were supposed to make it easier for me to create.

Item #1 - iMac. The biggest one they got. This was going to help me record and produce music and run my tape label better. I really do think this is a must have. Maybe not the biggest and most expensive one they have but a new computer is needed. Something where I don't have to think to use it. It should be intuitive and linear. Nice looking too. Everything I'd ever want in a girl . Give it to me in a computer. Approx. $3000

Item #2 - Xbox 360/Ps3 + Rock Band 2. This was supposed to teach me how to play the drums. There is some dispute about its ability. Man, I wish I could play the drums. I should probably test one out first before making this investment. Approx. $600

Item # 3 - The Electro Harmonix Hog. This could be one of the most amazing guitar pedals I've ever seen. It's an organ simulator with pitch bending abilities. Midi capable. Approx. $500

Item # 4 - One year YMCA membership. Approx. $300

Cost to change life = $4400.

So far, I've gotten the Y membership. I think it's working. I've gone once. My basketball game needs a lot of work. Signed up for those yoga classes.

All this stuff. I gotta get this stuff. It will work for me if I give it all the proper respect. I've always been so careless with everything. That can't be the case this go around. With ownership comes responsibility. In so many ways.

it's starting to set in

2008-12-08T21:25:00.000-08:00

The other night Matt and Kat told me it was sit-ups that I needed. Ben says it's definitely not yoga. These 12 hour days of work are something else. I'm making cartoon money but I can't tell if it's worth it. It is. But I just can't tell. Maybe if I was on the receiving end of my Lost netflix discs I wouldn't be so down - but something about today was just completely off. It's probably the approach of Christmas. Probably why I made the huge invite for my birthday party on Facebook today. Definitely should not have invited so many people from work. They're not going to come anyways and now they know that I'm a huge drunk. Like they didn't before, but you always read about people getting fired for Facebook crap. So goddamn stupid.

I always seem to turn Metalocalypse on just as it's about to end. Story of my life.

Basically, I'm feeling really sorry for myself. Every time I went upstairs today I expected to see my mom. Expected to hear her. I could feel what it felt like to be hugged by her, what it felt like just to be in the same room with her. I started to forget what it was like to take care of her every day as she was dying. I started to forget that she died in a hospital bed in the living room where I watch t.v. with my dad still. Maybe "forget" is the wrong word. I'll never be able to forget. I don't want to forget. But I definitely don't want to remember as much as I do. As often as I do. Today I started to get my wish. One could assume that this would pay off with a sense of relief or comfort. I'm blessed with the memory of her and not tormented so much by the thought of her suffering. But it's just a different kind of grief. At least for now. I do feel closer to her in a way, after today. I know full well how powerful and real memory can be. But it's opening a whole other door of realization, the terrifying aspect of eternity. More than anything I wish I could know how she's doing right now.

lost my maps

2008-12-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

I should get back in the habit of doing this. I was reading Matt's blog and noticing how he seems to keep post quite regularly. I think it'd be helpful for me to just type and talk it out. I like posting poetry, but I can only talk in code so much and so far no one, including myself, has been able to crack it. Last night I asked Matt where our lives went wrong over beers at the Foxhead. Closest I could come to pinpointing it was that we never had a plan for ourselves. There was never anything to refine, no vision - just vague ideas and a thousand different ways we could say "wouldn't it be great if..."

I think I should give up drinking. But my birthday is coming up. There are a lot of things I need not to think about this birthday. And I'm sharing it with at least 3 friends who have birthdays in December who love to drink. I think we're starting out at One Eyed Jake's. This doesn't bode well for someone with a record of public intoxication in the drinkinest bar in the drinkinest town in Iowa.

Working a bunch more overtime this week. Right now I'm infuriating Jennie over my ability to describe the waft of strippers and how it nearly drove me mad at the casino last night. Oh yeah, Matt met up with my dad and I at the Riverside Casino last night. I lost $5. Matt won about $10 in front of some girls I told him to gamble next to. They weren't going to leave the casino with us unless we asked, I could tell. And we didn't ask.

I think this Oren Ambarchi album is affecting the way I type and think and know. They're all the same anyhow. But I still don't know why I most always awake full of shame the morning after a good night of drinking. The last time I can remember when I didn't was the morning after the adventure Andy and I had at the strip club. Maybe one of the most decadent, indulgent, and socially shameful nights of my life and I woke up feeling like a new man, proud and excited about a new world. A world where naked women will roll all over you for money the same way my cat rolls and drools on the carpet over her catnip. I woke up drunk and confident. I went to work. Andy called in sick. I was out of sick days. Probably wouldn't have mattered though. I felt great. Until I puked in the bathroom. But my coworkers were proud. And so was I. Maybe something like that will happen on my birthday. I don't want to go back to jail. And I don't want to wake up feeling like I did this morning. Alone, beat up, and full of shit - unsure of what I said amongst friends, unsure of what I gave up to the people that matter; not the ones I have to pay.

Last night at the Deadwood, towards the end of the night, as I was bemoaning the fact that not only had I missed T.I. on SNL but I had requested Whatever You Like twice on the jukebox and it had yet to come on after about half an hour of waiting, a the ringleader of a group of 3 college girls called me out for being a misogynist. It's strange what people can pick up in a short amount of time.

roller over

2008-12-06T01:41:00.000-08:00

Whatever it is my kidneys
could catch
They are some spiritual
Sails away of my body
loneliness aspects and complete,
memories are wet and the wind.
The darkest shoulder blades
slung into my sides. These flanks
must be filled with a kind
of nutritional sweetness.

From Blackest

2008-11-23T21:28:00.000-08:00

The spirit world is real. We are tied of it by a rope of white. You can feel on the back of your neck the proof our extension. Echoes are part of its complexion but not its complexity. Motive matters little. How, when, and where we re-materialize depends completely on the choices we make before we turn black. Please, try and live a good life - and not just the life you deem good.

Only until you realize you will remain who you are for eternity will you know who you are. There is much to know besides who you are, but acceptance of the self is the first step to take.

Wagering a Build for the Reminder of a Scent

2008-11-23T15:35:00.000-08:00

Going on a great January
soon after the coldest fog lifts
and I catch its drag,
an orb of sensed muscles
tight and blue from an emotional
hibernation. They say you see one
in a photograph and that's a ghost. "She"

is the most beautiful
word I can think
of and it is as far as

anything. I could kill
To have your place for a weekend
without you

but give of me
a house of toil,

Lord: it is past our time,
our space is the illusion of long letters & leafy pokes,
what distant falls -- shuffling companions
to the way.

Your confusion brings us,
makes us a town; much movement. Just heard all over,
like a warm bath, stepping out the shower.
Suddenly, I am
with expansion and fantasies
of girls without much brains, curled
up, content, thin, and happy with old, rotten
me, my stink, and the boredom of my tastes.
Year round it gets like this, watching music
become a periphery.

hello

2008-11-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

Hi. I live in Muscatine again. It's been a shitty fucking year. But I'm glad and thankful to be back. I planned on writing a whole bunch with this first post in a long time, because there's a lot to say - but I just realized I can't do it right now. There's so much to say. It makes me realize I should be reading instead. But I'm listening to the new Boris LP. It is excellent - so much so I'll forgive them for needlessly putting it on two LP's. I look forward to seeing them and my friends Monday night. Instead of unpacking I'm going to read and listen to this thing again. Peace.

index of buzzards

2008-08-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

it is a dead egg,
a lantern, no moths inside
just deafness
comes easy.
Though I hear the wave
of their wings panting in sky.

goddammit

2008-07-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

She is her own
Great opium den
Passing vials of child
And the first ever notion
Of what life would be like
Without the idea of loss,
Of cancer, of the assumption
Of everything until now
When you're giving up and hoping
For a quick end.
The bank I washed
Up on to my arms clung
With the denial
Of every path I have
Taken - each road delivering
Some hut of this -
If I could get no more.

If I could crawl inside a name

2008-06-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

What little light
I find myself in,
the great sun and her
butcher's sleeves
dangling the purple
of a candle's warmth,
given to burning dirt,
it is proper to praise her.

finally, a loss at home

2008-05-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

My sister says she can
SEES THE SHADOW
cats, promises enough
of the window and gets
with the way like a blister
or black hole. Both whisker promise.

hop, get ready

2008-05-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Shadow cats,
I got a brand new messenger
bag. Let's go to Mount
Rushmore and other
geographic centers,
compounds. Mass,
smelling salad, literally 2
minutes. Wisconsin
for booze.

Happy Birthday Torgerson

2008-05-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

the sun is coming down on the strip
of park that ran for a block between
Stone and Fulliam. The seven-toed
cat has plenty of water. There are
crawdads out back where your Father
was going to build the fall and stream.
Golf balls on the porch, your neighbor
John's shit is all over the yard, his bikes
are in the lane. Remember always
switching rooms with your sisters?
And the Packard Bell
with two c.d. rom drives.

This weekend is over

2008-05-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

Apeshit paranoia -
what's done is done -
we're never leaving
when there's work.
Gotta hear what's
gonna be heard.
Sit tight, we'll see up
until you sleep.

Welcome to Heaven, full of wins and frozen pizza

2008-05-18T18:26:00.001-07:00

Agreeing to be denizens
must be burning all
we can see together,
empty out your old circles
and climb into the carriers
lining your mouth with carpet.
Exit wounds lead some
where they always needed
to be. From here the entire
world looks like a wild pair
of open legs, blinding
and as global as the sea.
Midway through the kill
you realized you held
the sword.

goodnight everyone

2008-05-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

looking into an apoplectic breeze
as the sycamores drop their leaves,
everything is starting to stare
and the whole world likes a pair
of spread legs
leaking diesel.

Enjoy your stay

2008-05-17T12:38:00.001-07:00

business bikes
and out of control shirts,
fingers dancing
with impatience.
come sit down
on my face with
the rats from
the crawl space.

Welcome to Hell, we have books and cigars

2008-05-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

she told us a romance
over the better part
of a decade. Once
it was over we raised
4 children.
It was classic depictions
versus old fashioned,
mutual self denial.
Here there is no end
to the world just proper
courting rituals.

by remote instinct

2008-05-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

she screamed
so many ways
to listen,
listen to us
against the break
in the ground,
it says die.

burning over phono

2008-05-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

Not the town,
your powers
she said
walking around Lake Calhoun,
the water's young take sleep
in their ears
taking store of memory,
even the deceptions,
would ripen
their perceptions.

return of the to-do

2008-05-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

for Saturday and Sunday

1. bicycle
2. clean room
3. do some laundry before it gets out of control
4. write songs with Ian and Adam
5. attend Austin's graduation party
6. sit on the porch and listen to music, enjoying this nice weather
7. talk to Mom and Dad
8. talk to Susan
9. learn how to use MS Frontpage to update Never Ender website.

Just got back from Iowa. So many tapes.

2008-05-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

Who had a picnic
in the tub
all full of shit
over cakes and super sand?

CAFFEINE FREE MOUNTAIN DEW

2008-05-11T21:31:00.001-07:00

CAFFEINE FREE DIET MOUNTAIN DEW

for everyday for all I care

2008-05-08T20:41:00.001-07:00

this familiar
grint
found friends
because the tie

kevin had no idea that he and i were blogging

2008-05-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

grant: so, it all comes back together
grant: when my pet robot broke up it became hugs and MLIW
kevin: That first band was better.
grant: my pet robot?
grant: i know!
grant: nothing tops mpr
kevin: Exceop MHP.
kevin: *Except
drunkenboat93: MHoP?
kevin: Yup.
grant: are you forgetting vine and the archer?
grant: the correct answer is "nope"
grant: i need a chorus peddle and a wah
kevin: You have all that you need.
grant: are you telling me, that when i'm ready, i can dodge bullets?
kevin: I don't have to.
grant: dodge bullets?
kevin: Exactly.
kevin: What would you do if I learned a martial art?
grant: learn a better one
kevin: Good answer.

could be finding a spot

2008-05-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

So all these goings on. New places to rest.
Familiar people becoming the first point
of contact and reintroductions are the song.
Get smiling, fuck the weekend.
Perfect pockets lack the summer
without a breezy night.

this blog, as a whole, is needlessly dramatic because I am a really bored dude.

2008-04-17T16:46:00.001-07:00

I've just been floating around and viewing some of you all's blogs and I noticed how much less depressing and whiny they are than mine. And I also noticed how much more you people do. Or at least maybe you blog about it more. And that's great. I just must seem like a big bag of no-fun. Which, truth be told, is one of my biggest fears - not being fun. Kinda stupid, huh? Anyways, I'm just killing time while making tapes. I'll probably end up posting three or so blogs tonight. This shit is gonna take a while.

I had to take a nap

2008-04-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

I slept from 7 to 9 tonight. After I got home from the bike shop I sat at my desk for a few minutes, turned the Celtics game on the radio, and stared at the wall. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I got into bed and slept to and through the game. Boston won. Regular season ends, playoffs start this weekend. When I woke up I played Kevin at chess on facebook while chatting with him and Alison. She really wants me to go to her drunken prom event in a few weeks. She said "we'll get you laid." Not quite sure what she means by that. I assume she means that I'll end up having sex with someone I meet there. But part of me wonders if when she says "we'll get you laid" that that really means "you and I are going to have sex." I mean, she's my ex girlfriend? But whatever. I probably won't end up going. So it's moot. I spent the rest of the night watching the 1981 Eastern Conference Finals and the 1984 Finals on Youtube and looking for a Larry Bird jersey, size M on ebay. Found one, but they only accept paypal and the funds won't be available there for 3-5 days (just made the transfer). It's a home jersey, would rather have the away jersey anyhow. Going to sleep to the movie Conspiracy here in about 15 seconds. It's about the Wansee Conference in 1942. Ask Torgerson about the movie. He used to own it.

oh no

2008-04-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Sid brings home a girl and Cahak goes to the store.
I start to play guitar.
What an affecting situation they can be.

There's rain, there's thunder

2008-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight I did fuck all. I drank a lot of vitamin water, put things on repeat. Alkaline Trio will always have a place in my heart. Showers don't take so long anymore. As a result I'm staying up later and sleeping in for a few more snoozes. Mom is a bit under the weather. I keep making plans with my parents to go home for the weekend. But it never ends up panning out. They're going to be taking a bus up to Mystic Lake soon. I'll go up there and hang out at the casino with them. At first I was skeptical, but now that I think about it it sure beats the hell out of Muscatine. I told you all and myself a few posts back that I was going to post more like Ben.

cahak: alkaline trio?

cahak: oh dip

cahak: i am moving to baltimore

me: gross

cahak: have you ever been there?

cahak: p.s. kate knives on the dope board is from yankton

me: ha

me: i shall call her yankton

cahak: me too

me: i want 80% of all my t.v./movie quotes/associations to be deadwood related

cahak: no doubt

cahak: or the wire

Doc Rivers is making some of the most blatant attempts at coach of the year

2008-04-08T20:07:00.001-07:00

I fucking love it. Get up by 25 against the Bucks. Take all your starters out. Play the second string for the whole half as they squander the lead, miss crucial free throws down the stretch, and then fucking win in overtime. With Brian Scalabrine on the floor the whole time?? Are you kidding me? The man who will do whatever he can NOT to shoot the ball unless he's in Boston, has been standing at the 3 point line for a minimum 30 seconds until the crowd starts cheering him on so he can hoist a brick over his shoulders - is he really the guy you want in clutch moments?

Fuck it, who gives a shit?

You've clinched a playoff birth, division title, conference title, and home court advantage with 6 games left to go in the season. Single greatest one season turnaround of an NBA team ever.

Let Scalabrine pass up open jumpers he can't hit. Home crowd LOVES him. He's the big, red haired, mascot for the team. I think he's the only white guy, too. And by the way, fuck anyone who thinks the Celtics are a racist organization. Go crucify Isiah Thomas some more. At least he actually deserves it.

But it was such a brilliant move by Rivers. This game doesn't matter as far as standings go. This is like the inverse pre-season for the Celtics. Sort of a post-season pre-season.

Like that house in House of Leaves.

So he rests his starters and then basically dares the bench to lose the game that's just been handed to them. Think if they had lost? Their confidence would be destroyed. And Boston's second string is what's going to carry them through the playoffs. But it's not their talent, it's their confidence. Confidence not a single one of them ever had until this season.

But I mean, they should've fucking won anyhow. Rivers rested KG, Pierce, and Ray Allen for a whole game against the Bobcats and they won.

Whoa, I just grossed myself out on sports.

driven by spite, boredom, and guilt.

2008-04-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Jared has a pink eye. I guess I might have it soon then, as well. I can only think of Knocked Up at this moment. Great movie. Made me realize I shouldn't have been with my girlfriend at the time. She dumped me the next morning. It was surreal, not just infuriating.

I just got back from a covert operation. It wasn't without casualties. Tapes were heisted from Cole's. I rang the doorbell twice and Tara let me in. My stop-on-a-dime charm got me through the door. The musk of my new deodorant got me the tapes.

Just kidding. She just let me in and went back to her room. I hope Cole and Christina don't see me taking the tapes as passive aggressive. It wasn't. By any means. Well, mostly not. But if the same happened to me, I would see it that way. But I gotta get these out. It literally drives me crazy every day they sit on the shelf when they could be out for review. It doesn't do the music or the people who made it any good, either. I don't know if they know my feelings on this. I doubt we're doing this for the same reasons.

It's a slow, slow process trying to get over who you've been your whole life. Expect a few more awkward text messages, a few drunken episodes of me being mopey, random expressions of love and affection, one or two catatonic weekends, and the occasional short fuse. I'll make it up to you.

I yelled at Cahak on the way back from Cole's. Then my car got dinged in the parking lot of Subway. I got the dude's insurance information. I felt like a heel. It's just a small scratch. I bought Cahak's sandwich for him.

it's 6:47 a.m. and I'm just waiting my turn for the shower

2008-04-07T04:47:00.001-07:00

Went to bed last night at 8 p.m. Woke up at 4 a.m. I got a very nice text message from Alison around 1:15 a.m. I responded back around 5 a.m. I went down to put the whites through another drying cycle. They were a damp mound on a table. Someone must've taken them out of the dryer last night. No big deal. They should be dry before I leave for work at 7:30 a.m. I got to see Cahak come home from work not too long ago. He had a bag of snacks, pockets full of change, and mentioned that he was going to do that sleep thing. Jared's in the shower, coughing, and I'm just waiting my turn, getting movies ready to put in the mail. We're having a party on April 18th. You should check it out.

I'll make something out of it

2008-04-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have a voice mail saved from Kevin that I'm a little nervous to listen to. I called him but no answer. Called Kat too. Shawn for good measure also. No answers. Makes sense, it's Saturday afternoon. I'm going to go pay rent and buy a bike! It's time to start over.

That's all

2008-04-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I love noise jams because it's like listening to your friends practice in the basement. They've been going for about a good hour and a half, ran through the set maybe 2, 2 and a half, times and they took a break, passed the bong around, turned on the four track and thought intensely about the potential awkwardness of every possible social situation while just wailing eternally on all the notes they were playing. And only if they were your friends would you enjoy it. Otherwise you'd immediately call it dog shit. To like this kind of music you have to feel like you know these people. Otherwise you're alienated by the intimacy of the whole thing. It's like if your parents were to act out King Lear to you and your new girlfriend, naked and drunk on Mad Dog. You have to feel like you want to know these people after living inside their awful, stupid skin for at least an hour and a half.

the first these arms are snakes e.p. will put your skull on the wall

2008-04-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year
for punching in passwords,
verifying advisor i.d.s,
and plain getting down
in the south of our minds -
giving the big OK to everyone
without thinking
twice or at all the next day
or year.

I feel like a thousand buttholes

2008-04-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

A car alarm keeps going off outside every 3 minutes. I've been sick for the last couple of days. There's a lot of pressure on my chest and head at the moment. In about 15 minutes I'm downing a quantity of nyquil and climbing into bed with an improving d.v.d. This week and next week I'm working 10 hours days at work. I probably won't be doing a whole lot after work. I paid my taxes tonight. Yeah, paid. WTF. Friends, I miss you.

This was going to be my voicemail to Ben

2008-03-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

So you know that scene in Two Towers at the battle for Helms Deep where that one elven dude is dying and it gets all serious and sad and stuff? Well, that would always piss Ben off so much. I remember after the movie came out he railed on and on about it, how it was super insulting because we just freakin met the character and then all the sudden we're supposed to feel a bunch of grief for him when he dies?

I'm watching Two Towers and I think I figured it out. We aren't supposed to be sad because he's an elf and he died when he didn't have to. We're sad because he's white. All the elves are white. All the good guys in the movie are white. There are no non-white actors in these movies. Except for maybe the bad guys. You never know. But it seems the orcs and goblins are the only beings with dark skin in middle earth. Or then the bad guys on giant elephants, wearing turbans.

An evil lives in the East.

Even more ironic it's called Two Towers. Kinda Hardee's, man.

Fuck, I wish I was playing Flux right now. I can't go back to Iowa this weekend.

three twenty-six

2008-03-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

~~Make Bouncer Fighter tapes~~
~~Call Cole~~
~~Smoke~~
~~Lay out clothes/shine shoes~~
~~Clean cat boxes~~
~~Wash coffee mug~~
~~Sweep~~
Blog

42 minutes ahead of schedule

2008-03-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

Top of tonight's to do list: Get in bed before 9 p.m.

The rest is a mystery to all of you.

This is the time of year I start to watch Lord of the Rings almost every night. It's the time of year when being outside doesn't feel so loud. This is the time of year when it doesn't hurt to talk to my parents more often.

This is the time of year when the sun likes to hang out more and Rainer Maria Rilke doesn't make as much sense. This is the time of year one of my companions stopped being a kitten. This time of year more than any I wished I played drums.

And I've always wanted to play drums. Same time last year I was making poor decisions.
Around these days each year I tend to think about a Pagan ex girlfriend.
This is the type of weather where I'll sometimes answer unknown phone calls.

Hey Ben, I just watched Fight Club last night.

2008-03-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to feel what it must feel like to not care so much. I'm not quite there, but I can feel its inklings. Shouldn't jump the gun. Ben could be right about seasonal affective disorder. I've decided to blog more like him from time to time

So night two of the to-do lists is upon us. Each night will include five or six things I want to get done. Not much on tonight's list. Getting up early. Scored some overtime this week.

I am a working stiff. This new Cex tape is barely allowing me to think right now. At least Side A. I love tapes because they have almost nothing to do with my computer. Side B might allow for all sorts of independent thoughts.

And that seems to be where it could be leading us. I need to call Cole and find out what happened with the Daughters of the Sun mini tour. Then there'll be label business to be talked. We really gotta start sending these tapes out for review. Myspace doesn't sell too many. Because I mean, why would anyone take our words for it? Gotta have them reviews, son.

I enjoy the fact that they'll die eventually. Tapes. They have a lifespan. Just like us. Digital is the false fountain of youth. Crisp and new forever, no respite ever from the harsh ears of reality. But not with tapes. You listen to them die. And it's great. Think about what those tapes sounded like to you after you heard them a million times? They still sounded just as good as they were to you. Remember all those tapes you listened to on the bus when you were in middle school? I bet you fuckin' don't. Not really. You only have that idea. Which is always so much better than the real thing. Tapes are just an idea.

Side B is about to give me a fucking heart attack.

I may go back to Iowa this weekend.

see ya later shit

2008-03-24T17:53:00.001-07:00

I was kinda down most of the weekend. Last night, for about an hour or so, I talked to Kevin about my addiction to sadness and how I need to learn how to let things slide. I hold onto the past, I'm terrified of not remembering what I just did, so much so that I'm even more terrified of what could happen next. I wake up in the morning and the first thing on my mind, usually, are the dreams I just had. I spend a lot of time thinking about the dreams I had. But I never do anything with any of this stuff. I just get into these long, drawn out, pointless funks. Well, they're not completely pointless. They make the not-funks seem that much brighter. But there's never any happy medium. There's never an equilibrium, never a moment of contentment.

I suppose that's something I've bred into myself. I've never been a huge go-getter, just have kinda done enough to get by. And I know that about myself. I'm sure there's lots of different reasons why. But what's important to notice at the moment is that scares the shit out of me more than anything. So much so that I spend all this time analyzing all the dumb shit about myself I dislike or beating up on myself for not doing more with my time. I worry worry worry worry.

My skin is awful. My bowels move like a fault line. I haven't had a decent sexual experience in 4 years. I couldn't write a moving line of poetry if my life depended on it. I had to close that sentence off with a cliche. In reference to poetry. I don't have fun with my friends. I'm never satisfied with anything I create musically.

It's time to let all that shit go. Seriously. Looking at all those things now in one gross paragraph, it's a lot easier to see how they ALL feed off one another. It's like the wheel of negativity up there. Blah.

I had a good day at work even though it was one of the busiest days since I've been there. I had a good work out. And I've got a to-do list for myself for tonight that I'm almost through. I talked to Kevin online earlier. I told him I'm feeling pretty decent. He didn't seem to believe me. I don't blame him. But I'm not worried about that or much else at the moment. It's ok to be busy. It's ok to not be busy.

There's really no difference.

so what's new?

2008-03-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while. I guess things have been kind of crazy and hectic so I haven't really had the time to log my thoughts. I spent a good week or so working on this tape cassette we put out on the label. It's a split between me and Foul Tip. My first release as a solo artist. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. The show itself went quite well too. There weren't a lot of people there (Sunday night) but all the bands that played were excellent and beyond cool. It really seemed like everyone was genuinely interested in what others were doing. And it was a good mix of sounds too. That doesn't happen too often anymore.

Monday I called in sick for the first time. Apparently it was a good day to be gone. Same day as the Bear Stearns crash. Fucking Jim Cramer, the Friday before, telling everyone to stay in Bear Stearns. Though I guess it wouldn't have mattered so much. If you bought it prior to or on Friday you'd still be fucked anyways. Cramer isn't on until after market close. If anything else, maybe he kept you from panicking all weekend long over something you couldn't have done anything about.

The rest of the week went pretty smooth. Went out to eat with Dori, Liz, and Ben at Mysore one night. The waiter there fucking creeps me out something awful. Thankfully they're getting a new staff soon.

Spent a few nights out at bars watching the Celtics' games. One night went out with Jared and Bjorn. The next night went to a bar by myself. They were okay times. Last night went out with Cahak and his friends whom I am acquaintances with. Left early. Tonight I watched T2 and Rushmore and decided to update this thing.

I was just feeling sorry for myself upon reflecting on how I've spent my Saturday night. But I don't have much fun hanging out with people anyhow. And I've got all day Sunday to be busy. Target took a lot out of me earlier.

Billy was wrong

2008-02-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

The world is not a vampire.
We do cast a shadow
and it looks like fire
dancing on the moon.

Let's eat with me

2008-02-16T16:12:00.001-08:00

each of our us
is a seminal
I can't keep
sliding in or over
just through
and green lakes of friendly
waves for the pens
I just found
and my recovering penmanship!

Country Time Lemonade in a Can

2008-02-10T14:45:00.001-08:00

Cahak needs a new job and to see a doctor. I hope Kevin is getting better. It looks like The Tanks are going to be playing at Big V's when they come through on tour. The Celtics can beat The Spurs without Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins. Matt Francis is blogging and quit myspace. Welcome aboard. Don't be so sad, you live in relative close physical proximity to Ben Torgerson. I went to a show last night at a club downtown. V.I.P. room, free drinks. Somehow, I still spent forty dollars. I started out feeling quite anxious and didn't really want to talk to anyone but I felt a lot better after a couple drinks and I even managed to enjoy myself. It's really weird how a beverage can make the day brighter.

clearing the grid

2008-02-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

Part of the reason people enjoy being responsible individuals must stem from the fact that being responsible tends to keep one's mind off things that otherwise, if you weren't being responsible, might make you sullen or irritated. Just doing stuff, relatively easy tasks like paying bills on time, doing the dishes, cleaning up, preparing for the next day the night before - all these have tangential benefits almost wholly separate from the pay off given upon completion.

I bought a lot of books last weekend. There's a lot I need to get done. And I don't feel as negative as I did a few weeks ago. I went to the gym twice this week. I plan on going again tomorrow. Walking around downtown after a good workout is quite nice. Lately it's been just cold enough that you don't hurt all over when you're outdoors.

I'm definitely bitter towards the title of Ben's link to my page. I don't find it to be true at all. It's a nice thought. But it's a shadow of a sentiment that was never really that true. Quantity don't beat quality. Usually.

barf

2008-01-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

Not quite sure when this negativity corner is going to turn. The secret before in people's failure in communicating with me? Communicating with me.

Howabout a Grant Jackson boycott until I get some therapy?

Get this over with

2008-01-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

Last night wasn't that bad. Not as bad as that post previous makes it sound. Honestly, I don't even remember typing it. So it was kind of fun going back and reading it. I really like its title.

Umm, so let's see........ Friday night. Not much going on. Just finished watching the Celtics limp past the Wolves by a point. That was a waste of time. Earlier my mom told me about a guy I know, his brother lost his wife and unborn child in a car accident they were in, he himself, the guy I know - his brother - is in a coma and they're contemplating pulling the plug. There's a child too, a born one, who suffered a broken wrist and a damaged spleen but she'll be o.k. I can't and probably won't imagine. It all sounds just awful and if I had an contact or connection with these people I probably would be devastated. As is it's just depressing. I hope the best for them. God knows they have experienced a taste of the worst.

Have been going over a book of Cahak's poetry. Critiquing it. Something he requested I do maybe four months ago? Who knows if my suggestions will be heeded. Or if they even should be. I haven't written or read a page of poetry in probably four months as well. I'm sure that has something to do with my delay in perusing his. I'm sure my suggestions are not the suggestions he will agree with. I could be wrong.

Earlier I said I would talk about you alls inability to communicate with me properly. Ironically, I'm not quite sure what to say about that anymore.

I put out a few tasteless personal ads on craigslist and deleted my myspace. I've never been more unsure about what I'm trying to accomplish. I got a lot of responses from the craigslist ads and have begun correspondence with a few females and have had one offer for a date this weekend. I won't go.

I found $100 at a pizza joint the other day.

I won a $50 gift certificate for Ticketmaster at work.

I'm nearly 30 years old.

These are the awful

2008-01-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

I really didn't leave my desk all night. I drank a six pack of Mickey's. I have a bottle of Seagrams to get me through the weekend. See ya.

SARABANDE and BOURREE (from Suite No. 1 for the lute in E minor) - transcribed by Andres Segovia for classical guitar

2008-01-23T20:53:00.000-08:00

Cahak is already giving me shit for not blogging enough in 2008. That's a good roommate right there.

Oh my, there are so many things to tell you all about. So many things to just opine on I wouldn't know where to start.

So this post is like a place holder for espousals to come. Grand thinkings on how we as a species fail so dramatically at communicating with me. I don't know how you folks do it with others. I'm guessing you do it well. They all seem so happy and charmed.

I barely accomplished anything I wanted to get done today. Tomorrow after I:

1. makes tapes
2. write music
3. read books
4. finish doing the dishes

I will get to the dark heart of all your failures. Be ready.

good times

2008-01-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

I probably spent at least 15 hours in my car yesterday. Most of that time was spent driving to and from helping a friend. I don't know if I actually accomplished what I set out to achieve. It's difficult to help others when you barely have a grasp on reality yourself. But it's the thought that counts, right? I just hope people know I have good intentions when it comes to friends. You would think that would be a thing that would not have to be said. Because, I mean, what's the point of being friends if there's not good intentions? Sometimes there's extenuating circumstances, history, the past, if you will, that might muddy up that aphorism of intent in friendships.

I'm feeling the full weight of my actions everyday. I always have been, I think I just decided to acknowledge it. Maybe being this far from how it used to be has given me the perspective necessary to realize what life was like before I decided to fuck up.

Whatever has happened in the last 24 hours I'm safe for now from my friends and what they know about me. Tucked safely away in a frigid Minneapolis with my utterly devoted and randomly violent cat, burning dragon's blood, drinking grape soda, and listening some helpful music.

And about that cat. So dependent on me. Refuses to receive attention and affection from almost everyone else. I guess what I've always been looking for in a girl. She greets me at the door everyday and immediately wishes to play. She wakes me up in the morning purring and standing on my head. She sits on my desk and naps as I type. She always wants to be near me. And occasionally if I'm paying too much, not enough, or the wrong kind (?) of attention to her she lashes out with a hiss and a swipe. She also plays too rough and I've got the scars to prove it. I need to re-read Solaris.

I might actually get specific later.

If you know me none of this will come as a surprise

2007-12-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

So my last holiday vacation of the year is over. It wasn't much. I spent my time at home, back in Iowa. Most of it with family, some of it, not enough, with friends. I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to be nice to my parents. They really can't say much to me without me getting annoyed or frustrated. They feel like they are on eggshells around me. Other people have said this to me before. I don't quite know why I get like that. I have a tendency to make others feel stupid or judged, I've noticed. It's never been my intention to make people feel like that. I run out of patience easily. I jump to conclusions. I assume that most people know what I'm talking about. I'm kind of a resentful, hate-filled, son of a bitch. Or maybe that's just who I am part of the time.

Because you have to get that way, no one is ever just born a hate filled s.o.b. I think I pinpointed a major source of resentment this weekend with my parents. My relationship with them is a bit superficial. We talk, but we don't talk about anything. It's like they're almost afraid to get to know me. There's 3 things they want to know when we talk: how's the car running, how's work going, what's the weather like up here. I know they care about me. My dad still shakes my hand and will never say "I love you" unless I say it first - and sometimes not even then. My mother tries, but I can tell she's not really interested. She's just kind enough to know that it means something to me that she gives a damn. The only person I can talk to is my sister. She feels the same about me. Our family is trying to plan a week long reunion in Yellowstone National Park. I can't begin to tell you how unappealing this idea is to me.

Am I really this spoiled?

I used to pride myself on my honesty. But this past week I've been a liar. I've been only vaguely honest with myself and, at best, deceptive towards those I love and care about. I must be afraid that I have something to lose. Or maybe I'm just tired of dealing. Either way, I think I have some letters to write.

Haiku

2007-12-28T12:21:00.000-08:00

We pay pro athletes
so that we don't have ruined
American towns.

Fuck This

2007-12-19T21:17:00.000-08:00

Me: Drinking alone, listening to Earth, thinking about hatred and what it'd be like to have no lower half to my body.

Sid: Just gets home, walks into my room. Hey man, how's it going?

Me: Eh. Moderate pause. You?

Sid: Pretty good, what're you up to?

Me: Just drinking enough to fall asleep.

Sid: Yeah, I didn't sleep much last night either. I was having SEX in there. Points to room.

Me: That's awesome.

Sid: Wanna smoke a bowl?

Me: No.

--- The End ---

Fuck this world.

Drinking Malt Liquor To Stay Alive

2007-12-19T21:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found that cat.

Drinking Malt Liquor To Fall Asleep

2007-12-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

I had big plans tonight: drink beer, listen to the Celtics game streamed online. I came home, drank one beer, started listening to the game and then fell asleep. I woke up with just enough time to hear the Celtics come back from 6 down to tie and then lose on foul shots with .01 seconds left on the clock. Good job, guys.

So, it's 10:30 p.m. and I can't sleep. I have 3 days left of my mid 20's and this is how I'm spending it: drinking so I can fall asleep after sleeping to sports radio. Let's just fast forward to a 65 year old version of me who prays for a failing liver because his ex wife is dead and his grown kids won't return his calls. It'd save us all some time and complaining.

I need to start a band. God bless Cole, but I don't think Troubadour is a band. We don't practice, we don't write songs. I need to start writing songs. I need to find people to jam with. I keep telling myself it is due to a lack of practice space. And that could be so. But I don't know, if the right people were involved it wouldn't matter. Troubadour might have some big shows lined up, but I almost feel like saying "nope, not going to do em." I am not putting myself out there on a limb anymore for shit like this.

I'm kinda sick of being this negative. I think I was in a good mood a few days ago. But I don't remember. Maybe it's the Mickey's. After the holidays I'm getting my solo project lined up and in effect. Done bitching for now. I love you all.

Oh, go here: http://www.daytrotter.com/article/1107/a-black-lung-a-black-heart-a-black-beauty

Later.

SERIOUSLY, GUYS

2007-12-17T19:53:00.000-08:00

Life is a dull vacuum of disbelief in which I am constantly wishing I was stoned, dead, happy, running, laughing, writing, or getting just enough sleep. Fucking anything that would stave off the anger. It's all pointed inwards. Things are happening. Accomplishments are routing themselves all over my red, pasty body. Like infernos of deference, they wake me up with just enough time to shower and go off to work. Just enough time to get 5 scrambled eggs and cheese and coffee for 2 dollars before I log into the terminal and begin an 8 hour day of talking on the phone and moving around more money than I'll ever touch over the course of a lifetime. Nothing is too far out of reach. Even the simple things I want. I want things simple. And I don't think it's fair that I deprive you all of the person I could be if I gave a shit about myself.

Don't Tell Anyone, This is a Secret Between Just Us

2007-12-17T19:45:00.001-08:00

I feel that I can tell you all this because we are all really close and I know you won't judge me. In fact, I feel closer to each one of you at this moment than I ever have before in my entire existence. And I haven't even said anything yet. There's something about the build up, the hesitation, though that I love. Though, that I love.

I think I want a girlfriend. Get one for me, if you can. My birthday is next weekend.

KTHX.

2007-12-16T17:12:00.000-08:00

The most boringest guy on the universe cares a lot about what is going on. The super most boringest guy around wants you to call him and see how his day went; the intoxicatingly dull, boring, handsome man wishes it was summer, somewhere, deep down inside even though he's been telling all his friends that winter has finally made him happy as he can now hibernate guilt free.

The most boring man you know hates to sweat and claims that melody is dead and he most definitely plays the saxophone. When girls dump him he goes to the Mall of America to buy fitted baseball hats and Nike shoes. He's going to get fit.

The most awful man is terrible at keeping secrets and becomes rather offended when you don't hand them over. He wants your children, your animals, and the way you smell. He might offer up his indifference to your horror in exchange. He'd really like to make it to your candle making party, but the boring son is tired and would rather say he'll call you tomorrow to see how it went. Did he mention he has a gym membership and likes to follow politics? He will even if he already has since he doesn't have much to say.

web log

2007-12-16T11:28:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that last post was kind of a downer. But it was how I was feeling at the time and I just felt like being brutally and maybe embarrassingly honest. And to tell you the truth, I felt so much better the next morning. I think it was the next night I was sitting on my kitchen counter top, drinking a beer, reading a book, and listening to music really loudly and I just kinda realized that this is okay, everything is alright. Kevin called about half an hour into that realization and we talked for over an hour. It was a good talk. I've been having a lot of good phone conversations with friends lately; Ben, Lindsey, Kevin, Brooks, Dori, Shawn, Kat, to name a few or all of them. All of them except Dori (though she is soon to join their ranks) live far away. I love these people so on one hand it's a bummer that they do all live far away, but on another hand it makes me feel nice that we still keep in touch and we are still close.

I don't know, I've lived up here for a year and a half now (??) and I still don't feel like I have anymore than 3 close friends, soon to be 2 when Dori leaves.

I'm listening to the Celtics game on the radio... it's halftime and the commentators are talking about March of the Penguins. Sorry, that was a bit distracting.

But anyhow, whatever. I'm a homebody by design. Yesterday I barely left my bed, watched 4 or 5 movies and it was great. Felt justified in doing nothing since the night before I had gone out and actually stayed out until after 2 a.m. Went to the "last ever" show at the Organ Haus. Saw Pukers, Andy Spore's new band. There was actually a mosh pit. Sarah Johnson melted my privates off. I got a beer dumped on my head. I had a really good time.

Today, I'm going to finish listening to the game, play some guitar, get some label shit organized. January 12th is less than a month away. We're going to try and have 4 releases come out that night. Wish me luck. If you want to play at the record release show/party, let me know. Talk to you soon.

Can't sleep though I just was

2007-12-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

I've been lying in bed for the past hour or so unable to sleep. I slept previously from 9 p.m. till 11 p.m. I can't shut off my desk lamp. For some reason I don't want to be alone in the dark. Under the covers, beneath the light of the lamp from across the room I listened to some music, I thought about killing myself, I tried to pray, I tried to write, and then I played with Underworld Dreams. She, for some reason, did not care too much for me praying. Started crying as I knelt. I rarely ever do pray, usually only when I'm back in Muscatine and the usual reversion-to-childhood mode sets in right before I decide it's time to go exploring in the basement. I only see long years like this ahead of me; trying to get ahead, trying to get some money in the bank, alone and wondering when or if my contempt for myself and others will ever just go away. That's what I asked God for. We'll see what happens.

I am not a happy camper

2007-11-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is. I think there's something off in my brain. Or maybe I just need to get myself in a better living situation. Or have more fun. I'm feeling increasingly old and it doesn't help that I'm turning 27 in a month. I've already been thinking of myself as a 27 year old since September, it seems like. That's bullshit. So is all this complaining. But it needs to be done. I'm looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. The holidays still seem very far away. I keep hanging out with this girl I used to really be into who, at first, wasn't into me at all. The more we hang out the more I think she is into me and the less I am into her. It could all just be my imagination. It's feeling good to type here again. As you can probably tell my mind is a scattered mush of failure.

Cole, Christina, and I are starting a label. We went to see one of the bands we want to release last night at this art space. The problem is they've signed with some local label already to put out a c.d. (we want to put out a cassette tape). We don't want to put out a tape of something that will be coming out on c.d anyways, because... what's the point? So we're debating on asking them if they want to record 30 more minutes of stuff that's not going to be on the c.d. or if their other instrumental band (which I think might actually be a better fit) would like to do a tape with us. I ran that idea by Cole and Christina and didn't get much of a response. But who knows. They've both been asleep all day.

I don't know, I just am not really fired up about anything right now. Which means I'll probably be continually taking on projects until I find something that puts the winds back into my sails. Problem is when you feel like as much of a wet blanket as I do right now it can be hard to find that motivation. I know what I should and could be doing but it's a hell of a lot easier just to let the time pass. My days and weeks at work go by so incredibly fast that the weekends just seem to go forever. You'd think that would be a good thing.

Real quick as it has been a while

2007-10-02T21:01:00.001-07:00

Is it better not to talk shit and name drop in a public forum like this? Yes. It's not a very classy thing to do. But I did it anyway, haven't been called out on it. So I suppose that means that those of whom shit has been talked haven't seen this, or maybe they're just classier than me and took the high ground and haven't said anything. In either case I guess I could remove the potentially offensive posts. But I'm not going to. That'd be a little chicken shit of me I think. So there you have it. Let it stand for public record. My smallness for the world to see. More opportunity to be self righteous. Man, how I must love those.

Whatever

2007-09-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

I've been obsessed with making brilliant mix c.d.s lately. I've had a lot more free time on my hands over the past week. I got dumped last Sunday morning. It's turned out to be a great thing. This last week has been very productive and fun. I haven't had weeks like that in a while. But it still kind of sucks knowing that there is a person out there you used to sleep with who you don't want to even see around because they suck.

California Stars from the Billy Bragg & Wilco album Mermaid Avenue, the collection of Woody Guthrie songs that were never written, should play at my funeral someday. And wedding, if that ever happens.

I miss being in bars with Kevin in Iowa City and spending an hour plus at the jukebox picking out music to drink to.

It's Yom Kippur. I'm fasting. Only 8 hours to go. I'm starving. I think I'll make it. I've never done the fast thing before. I'll probably end up spending a lot of time on my porch since it's apparently beautiful out.

Tentative track list:

My Slumbering Heart - Rilo Kiley
California Stars - Billy Bragg & Wilco
Stars in My Beard - T. Rex
Lysergic Bliss - Of Montreal
The Nurse Who Loved Me - Failure
Oh, Me - Nirvana
This Hand - Six Organs of Admittance
Winter's Love - Animal Collective
Ever Since You Told Me That You Love Me (I'm a Nut) - Tiny Tim
Doin' the Cockroach - Modest Mouse
A Winter's Truce - Micah Blue Smaldone
Westfall - Okkervil River
Sloop John B - The Beach Boys
I'm So Tired - Fugazi
Spell for a Sweeter Past - Evan Miller
See The Light - Brooks Strause
The Masterplan - Oasis

I'm working on a script for a television show. Started out helping Sid and his friend Danny with writing theirs as they wanted me and Cahak to be characters. Through the gossip vine I've heard that our comedy is too dark for Sid's liking. Which is fine. I thought it was too funny for his show. So I started working on this opening scene for a show about two cynics in a world of optimists, a premise that Cahak came up with when we were at Davanni's the other night. I showed it to him. Apparently, it's too political or something. Whatever, it slays. I'm going to keep writing.

Headaches

2007-09-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

I just got home from seeing Knocked Up with Sid and Cahak and I'm drinking the Minnesota Vikings' leftover Tequila. Apparently, Cahak gets their leavings after they're done with the limos he books for them. They can't have half full bottles of booze in the limos. The Vikings demand shit to be sealed. I probably would, too. It's good stuff, the liquor. Only the best I suppose. It's funny, I used to worship the Vikings growing up. And I didn't even live in Minnesota. Now I could give a shit and they're indirectly getting me drunk. Well, drunker. Go Vikings.

So it was a good day. I bought my sister and father birthday presents on amazon and had them delivered to their homes and I shipped out my brother-in-law's birthday present, a first edition P.G. Wodehouse novel that was released on his 90th birthday (not Wodehouse's, my bro-in-law's, I think he's 36). The irony is that today was my brother Andy's birthday and I completely forgot to call him. Just as well, the 3 presents I sent out today were all mass belated, though I did have several reminders today to call my brother. Apparently, shit was going down and I was too busy. Christ.

But yeah, Knocked Up, I enjoyed. I don't know if I have much else to say about it at this point. I thought all on the drive home that the first I would do is get to my computer and sit down and starting typing. Wasn't so much the case. Decided to have a bit more to drink. I'm headed to the farmer's market in the morning with the girlfriend. We didn't really talk today. That's kind of weird. Well, we did, but for just a little bit on the phone when I was at Taco Bell with Sid and Cahak before the movie. I was probably a dick, I can't quite remember.

I completely forgot about the frozen grapes I put in this mug of coke and tequila. I can't remember if I planned on being fancy when I put those in there, but I definitely feel that way now.

I'm making a mix c.d. for the girlfriend. Just ran out to my car to get my c.d. booklet. I'll probably be posting the track list soon. So epic. Would I be an asshole if I entitled it "change your life"? Almost assuredly. But these are all tunes that are changing my scope of everything (no more drunk blogging). So it's good to change your life. And don't worry, Astro Zombies is making the cut. It's a good transition from Neutral Milk Hotel. 100%.

I keep thinking about the relationships and encounters I've had throughout my days and I'm continually comparing what is going on now with all that is in the past, thinking about all the ideals I used to hope for and those that I'm still holding onto. This is dumb. Goodnight.

Dealing.

2007-09-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

Coping has never been one of my strong suits. And by never I mean never. I can't really think of a time where a difficult or uncomfortable situation arose where one could say I acted in a relatively healthy manner. And by the assumed unhealthy manner in which I may act or choose to deal with a scenario I don't mean to say that I might adapt a completely uncontrollable nature or burst into raging ass. It's just that sometimes, I might not always make the best decisions regarding communication. What I mean is, if I'm irked, I probably won't say anything but if you're at all keen on observing facial expressions and jaw tension then you might get my irksome drift.

This isn't anything that's uncommon. A lot of people do this. Namely my dad. If anyone can make a room feel chilly it's that man.

Some people might call this avoidance. I've always called it dealing. To me, it seems more appropriate. I don't really feel like I'm avoiding anything. Oh, maybe I'm avoiding a direct and initial confrontation, but the confrontation comes eventually, in some form or another. I tell myself I'm taking it on the chin at the moment, just to study it for a bit so I can come back later and see if it was worth noticing in the first place.

Can you imagine, someone so insecure that they can't even trust their gut when it comes to one's own feeling of being stepped on?

And in some weird, fucked up way, it adds all the more to my own sense of martyrdom; that I've "put up with" something and held it in and not said anything somehow makes me a better person is probably what's beneath it all: the sense and desire to feel like a good person because I could deal with other people's shit.

I just used a semicolon and a colon in the same sentence. I could be a prick.

The Obligatory

2007-09-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night and I'm at my parents' watching the History Channel. I just sent a text message to my girlfriend about the hilariously large amount of Valtrex commericals one sees on a Saturday night while watching the History Channel, as if the only people watching a special on the Bermuda Triangle on a Saturday evening are in need of such a medication and if they would only purchase said med then they could finally get laid and never have to "learn" about the difference between Black Holes and White Holes (no pun intended, I think...). Not only does that marketing idea seem contridictatory to the interests of the History Channel (once one purchases Valtrex and fixes their nasty outbreaks of pussing genitals sores they will then, in theory, be able to break free from the confines of their home and hopefully go out and have lots of safe sex thereby no longer watching the History Channel, unless they are picking up mates in nerd bars that fix their sets to that station), but it's also a misnomer because I don't need Valtrex. Yet. Plus, hearing the words "genital herpes" over and over while watching t.v. with my parents tends to get a wee bit awkward.

FUCK. I just had a crisis of faith which is going to make me interrupt this blog. That's what happens when you type while watching television. Okay, so I'm still watching the History Channel and texting the girlfriend from my parents' living room and an AT&T commercial comes on promoting their wireless world or some bullshit. And guess which band I hate is starring in this commercial? Mates of State. Yeah, couple rock, not cool or fun or exciting at all. I don't want 'em in my wireless world, fuck that noise. You don't take sand to the beach. Therefore, this married-rock nonsense has got to end. So I see these happy cheese dicks singing and drumming and keyboarding while idiots in the crowd dance with their cell phones and enjoy the wirelessness of it all, or something, and I'm all to myself, "Yep, that confirms that. Mates of State are blowing it and this reaffirms my deep seated annoyance and hatred of everything that they are." Then what happens? Why the crisis of faith? Oasis's "All Around the World" IS THE FUCKING CLOSING JINGLE FOR THIS FILTH. So what's that mean? Do I hate Oasis now, too? Should I love Mates of State? Would I be a hypocrite for not changing my opinion on either band because of this collision of worlds? I don't think so. Mates of State have always been fucking up just by being themselves. Oasis have always owned just by being themselves. So then should I at least have some respect for Mates of State due to their keepin'-it-real ability? Maybe. But not a whole lot. If your realness is wack then you might as well be fake. If you ever catch me liking that band I'll pack a suitcase full of sand from Lake Calhoun and move to Fort Lauderdale. Crisis of faith averted. My moral compass is rooted deep in a system of spite and stubborness.

So my girlfriend's response to the whole Valtrex/History Channel thing: "Good to know." Everyone needs a complimentary foil. I think I may've found just that.

I titled this blog "The Obligatory" as I had originally planned on starting it off with an anecdote about how this is the third or fifth time I've tried starting a blog and each subsequent attempt from the first I've always started out saying something like, "yeah, I've tried this whole blog thing before but it never worked out, but THIS time I've got it dialed in and I'll be posting like mad, dude." So I was going to talk about how stupid it is to start a blog off like and that's probably why none of them ever stuck since they had such a shitty premise. Oh, the irony. But now I've circumvented that whole thing by talking about how I was going to start this blog in the middle where it is no longer relevant. Not that it ever was. But the whole creation myth/seemingly arbitrary movement of thoughts and stories seems to tie in well with the crap I was watching on the Bermuda Triangle.

I'll be happy if any of this makes any sense in the morning. I've been drinking gin that's easily 30 years old. My parents found it in the closet in the garage when they moved in to this condo 6 years ago. It's passed the first test; I haven't gone blind.

So that's about it for now I think. I got the first post out of the way. There will be more. I'll talk about stuff, give my opinion, I'll even critique things. But not tonight. Words are just flying. And it's mostly about t.v. Suck. Oh well. More to come. Peace.