Turf Snub

Tough calls over places

I could never see again 

And by places 

I mean people 

Going there

Getting lifts to where 

I'm probably not wanted 

Dead and dried out trees 

Full of booths 

Full of folks and punks 

Donating side glances 

To more than the corner 

Of my eye.

This is a post I never published from a blog I never started

From 10/24/13

Gradually, over the last several days I've been actively weaning off my SSRI, the generic Zoloft, sertraline.  I've been on this thing now for at least several years.  I started off easy, just 25 mgs.  Eventually, after maybe 6 months, it was upped to 50 mgs.  For the last year I've been on 75.  I asked to be upped to 100 mgs but my doctor suggested trying 75 first.  I didn't think that a mere 25 mg boost would actually do anything so I was a little skeptical.  Hypocritical, I suppose, once you consider I had no qualms with the two 25 mg boosts I had already received previously.  Just one of those things, I suppose; you don't mind so much when they're handing it out but any hint of a pullback and you blink a few times and begin to question the intelligence of a person who went to medical school for 8 years.  

But I went along and ended up sticking with the 75 mgs for an entire year.  Which brings us to the here and now where the prescription has run out and I'm still trying to get in to see a doctor.  This scenario isn't anything that's taken me by surprise and I'm not compromised by negative financial circumstances.  I just need to find a new doctor.  My girlfriend and I moved to a new city and if you combine that with a natural talent for procrastinating you'll arrive at the spot I'm in: out of meds.  

I did see this coming, obviously.  As I said earlier, I've been weaning myself off this medicine.  In actuality, though, it's probably been for more than just a few days.  I cut back down to 50 mgs well before we moved which was at least 3 months ago.  I want to get off this thing eventually.  I don't like that it works so well.  I appreciate that it works, I like that it works, I love what it's done for my overall mood and well being.  But I want to feel this way on my own.  And if that's hubris so be it but there's practical aspects to this feeling, not just ego.  

Well, I'm no longer on the SSRI.  And I no longer have a girlfriend.  Not sure if there's a correlation.  Maybe a small one.  But I'm writing again and I feel interested in myself for a change.  That's kinda nice.  Happy Independence Day.  

Not like this. Not like this.

Out of understanding
Unending reverberates
a center and a point
Two nascent triangles
sub dividing
Their way past sky
And void, away
from songs and shivers
Sheets that flowed as rivers
Where the timbre of being
Does not ache
In our heart
To a cold coda
Of check-ins and intentionally misplaced
Charm.  There is no harm in a circle
and confusion is not a hurdle.
I welcome whatever
Will not gather.