It's New Year's Eve and I just found out.

Well, not really. But it did just dawn on me yesterday. And now it's starting to sink in. Nothing epic is sinking. Just the reality of having to attend a party I don't really want to go to tonight to appease the girlfriend.

But it's quite nice to have a girlfriend (especially this one) to appease so I'm not complaining in the least. Well, maybe just a little. It'd be weird if I didn't.

Got some New Year's Resolutions planned out.

1. Play music in a band (the inclusion of this on the list year after year is getting somewhat increasingly pathetic).

2. Go see a therapist (see above).

3. Never be late for work. I have almost no excuses.

4. Be a twenty-something. Still not 30.

I liked these so much more before I decided to share them.

At work right now. This is probably the first time in 3 months where I've had a chance to do something non-work related while not on a break. What a shitstorm of a fourth quarter.

The Celtics are in big trouble this year. Sheed is a bust. So is Daniels. Rondo can't hit a free throw if a game against the Clippers depended on it. KG has a glass knee. Perkins is the pout master. Ray-Ray way past his prime. Pierce is old as fuck. And Glen Davis is an idiot. Why didn't I see this coming? Or rather, why did I see it coming and choose to ignore it?

At least we crushed Orlando on Christmas.

Still haven't really had a Christmas yet with the family. Susan and Colin came over on the day and watched the game with me. But no real gift exchange stuff.

Birthday was pretty great. I gotta give it to Lindsay. She really went all out. Ice cream birthday cake made from scratch. A mountain of presents. Couldn't have made a guy feel better.

Kevin Koppes. Holy fucking shit. I think everyone's envious of the Poo Log. It's the first time I've seen people actually jealous over the fact that they didn't think of that.

Ben Torgerson. It was too bad we didn't get to spend as much time together as we had hoped. But it was well worth it. And now I have a pile of Dragonlance books to distract me from Game of Thrones. Well played Torgo. Well played.

Jae Choi, it was great to see her too and to have some real quality friend time. Bummer there were no Blazer home games during my visit. Did get to watch a game at a bar with Will Kapp and Ben. I think they hit it off. Though I'm sure both we're skeptical of the other prior to conversation.

Warren is awesome. Who isn't going to love a guy that plays in a badminton league with octogenarians?

Turns out Lindsay and I were at the same Blink 182 concert 9 years ago. I was 20. She was 13. I actually remember seeing her there. Weird.

Slightly creepy.

Half an hour left of work. Susan and Colin are coming over around 5 to test out my new Wii. Fucking shit I love that thing. My fat ass could use the movement too.

Joining a rec basketball league with Shawn in January. Trying to put together at least a ten man team. I won't mind getting outplayed, just don't want any injuries. Might have to get NBA 2k10. Looks like lots of moving around is required.

I tried to do this blog Ben-style. Let me know if I succeeded.

New Blog

Gotta get up today and run some errands. The holidays are almost over. Tomorrow should be the final gift exchange. Still don't have anything yet for my brother Andy. Might not have anything by tomorrow. I'll feel like an ass if I don't but that's just the way things are.

It's coming down pretty good right now. I see it out 3 different windows in my room as I lie in bed with my cat. This doesn't bode well for getting anything done today. I have such an opportunity though, right now, to get so much accomplished. No work, all friends are out of town or are at work, no familial obligations due to weather. And I bet the laundromat is dead silent today. The one right next to Jimmy John's. I could be eating sub after sub after sub while reading and washing clothes. Fuck. I haven't had clean clothes in a few weeks.

I'm 29 years old. Newly though. Probably shouldn't rush into anything just yet. It's best to ease into a new way of doing things. Especially as an older person because things will be done. Like laundry. And maybe some shopping. Oh boy. I should make some coffee.

oh hai!

Holy shit it has been a while, blog. I suppose a lot has gone on. Biggest goings-on include 1.) me completing a move back to Iowa City and 2.) my sister moved to Chicago and 3.) I'm picking her up on Monday and she's moving back in with Dad.

It's where she needs to be right now. I think it's best for her and for Dad. Hopefully we can get the doctor thing for her figured out so she doesn't have to commute to Chicago twice a month.

N.B.A. preseason kicks off October 1st. Regular season on the 27th. Still haven't really figured out this ESPN360 thing. Maybe it's my browser. Safari can't handle it for some reason. Firefox sorta can. What are my other options? I know of none.

Oh, I have a giant LCD t.v. I thought about taking it back. Turns out I just need some expensive cables. And a PS3. Then it will look awesome? So I am told.

I changed my phone number. Hit me up if you don't have it. I changed my voicemail prompt that everyone hated. It's a K.K. original. It's way better than actually talking to me.

I'm sitting in my "breakfast nook" in my new apartment with my cat, my computer, a Bill Simmons' podcast, a cup of coffee, and my sister is continually moving closer and closer to where I live.

That's the silver lining. It's really been a shitty, shitty week.

the return of the to-do

Very exciting. Yes. Making lists. Crossing shit off. Instant satisfaction. With no further ado, the crap I need to get done before Friday:

1. Finish my "brand plan" for work. Don't even get me fucking started. CHECK

2. Finish my "development plan" for work. See #1. ROUGH DRAFTED

3. Edit the track recorded with Rachel and Matt and bounce it to mp3ville. Try and do the same with the Troubadour tracks.

4. Work on bicycle. What the fuck is wrong with those gears??

5. Get some damn laces for my Jordans and an air pump for my rock.

6. 200 crunches.

7. 100 push ups.

8. Stop giving life over to negativity.

9. Breathe.

10. Relax.

mbp

It's here and it's better than I thought it could be and all I've done so far is register my extended warranty and installed a few programs.  I'm almost a little nervous to boot up Logic and plug in the Duet.  I feel like we should get to know one another a little bit at first.  So I'll just type for a bit.  Cruise the keyboard, spell out a few things.  

Watching the History channel right now with my dad.  Thank everything it's not a program about World War II.  Crile, you are right, there's plenty more I could learn on this subject.  But not on this channel.  But right now The Universe is on so instead of hearing all about Hitler I'm hearing all about parallel universes, M theory, the Bulk (my personal favorite), the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and all sorts of great stuff.  There's gotta be some Nicholas Cage movie coming out.  That's the only time you see non Hitler/Jesus programs on this station.  

"In one universe we have a live cat, in another we have a dead cat.  Get used to it."  I'm trying...

So all this ignited a conversation between Dad and I about the legitimacy of string theory and practical applications for the knowledge of parallel dimensions.  I was trying to explain the implications it could have on the notion of identity; after all, if there's more than one "me" running around that's got to turn the whole traditional concept of personal experience and perspective on its head, right?  Not to mention our perception of free-will and responsibility - cuz, like, what if our decisions are influencing the decisions our counterpart dopplegangers?  If particles can be in two places at once apparently that means so can the particles the spark an idea in our brains - in one universe the particle goes one way and in one universe it goes another: two different outcomes!  But what's the origin, where does that spark come from?  Kaballah talks about raising the sparks of our souls to G-d through good deeds, prayer, and meditation.  We're all evolving along this line of existence spewing our seeds of life and thought across this dimension into the next through the filter of the Almighty.  

Dad was hung up on the concept of a mirror universe.  Wouldn't and couldn't buy into it.  For some reason this sort of ultimate redundancy, to him, is a great waste.  Maybe it would be.  I couldn't say.  We continued to try and talk over the commercials.  I would shout for the mute then a quiet commercial would come on and he would just say, "see."  Though I was, for once, playing the History channel's advocate now that it was finally giving me something other than "what if the Nazis had The Bomb?" the television was still completely on his side.  

But we both shut up once The Universe delivered its somewhat neatly wrapped package: THE PRACTICAL PURPOSE OF THE EXISTENCE OF MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS - we might be able to go to one of these someday when our universe craps out on itself.  Oh.  Nice.  

So that all happened.  Dad went to bed.  I poured a glass of wine and took the bird out of her cage.  She only comes out after he goes to bed.  Gary's terrified she'll chew the wood work or shit on something.  Point of this all is I'm glad we actually talked and debated something.  I don't know why it is but 9 times out of 10 he and I talk it's not he and I talking - it's me listening to him go off about something he loves (Wyatt Earp, World War II, Cool Jazz) or something he strongly dislikes (just about everything else).  And trust me, he's always been like this.  I think the loss of Mom has made it more vitriolic.  I've actually heard him drop the F bomb a few times ("fucking Nazis").  And I could play along, sometimes I even try.  I begin by envisioning Kevin and/or Ben in the backseat getting the hugest kick ever out of everything Gary spits.  I try to switch my reality with the one they would be experiencing or the one they are experiencing in the parallel universe.  But that sort of transubstantiation just doesn't work when it's your dad.  I'm going to leave it at that for now.  It's getting late and the wine is setting in.  I'm happy for today.  I am thankful for it.  And nothing was really that different about it than any other since I've moved back.  I like that.  I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.

saturday night is alright (for fighting)

That's an Elton John song, by the way, the title to this blog. Let's just get that out of the way to start out with so no one gets the wrong idea. There wasn't anything close to fighting going on today. I don't know why but it's always the first thing that pops in my head anytime the words "Saturday" and "night" are conjoined in the same sentence. And I've never even heard the song.

So this was a chill out day. Study the moods sort of day. Keep Dad company and fly through the netflix rentals sort of evening. Finished Fanny & Alexander (the FAR superior television version - how often does one get to say that?) and watched the Squid and the Whale. Probably won't be going back to the Squid and the Whale, definitely won't be going back to it as often as I'll continue to revisit Fanny & Alexander.

Last night was a good and bad night for me. Remember how in my last post I concluded things by saying something about how I gotta "get out there" and "start doing stuff" and insecurities weren't so much a "big deal" in these parts for me anymore? Well, lesson learned is (yet again) don't write checks your blog can't cash. Had a jam with Mark and Chouser, went reasonably well. We got pretty fucked up over the course of it. Had to play extra loud since Havlin's band was practicing on the other side of the wall. That was a collison I had wanted to avoid. Not Havlin personally, just was hoping to have a night where things could get accomplished. But as a result of two bands having to play over the top of each other all night it ended up just being fun. I mean, there could've been some productivity in there - it's always good to get out there and play with people. But it would've been nice to lay some shit out, get Chouser acclaimated to the sound so that he could see if it'd be his style or not (his first jam with Mark and me). I can tell it's probably not his bag, which is fine, I'm pretty sure the world isn't quite ready yet either.

Macbook Pro will be here a lot sooner than expected. Ships now March 3rd instead of the 21st. So stoked. At work, in between calls, I pretty much just read articles and watch videos and look at pics of this stupid computer. It's pathetic and if I had to wait until later March to actually get it I'm sure my penis would've turned itself inside out. Once that arrives I may just go into recording seclusion and emerge every now and then in search of guest musicians. If anyone can play some hot trumpet for me let's get in touch. I've got some parts in mind for you. Okay, the battery is about to die on this thing. So I'm gonna finish up chatting with Paul on facebook and go to bed. Peace.

Death cannot say what you've already lost,
hold on to those you hold dear - Jason Spaceman

I sat down at my desk to do some research on the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of income tax. My dad and I were watching MSNBC and somehow or another this topic comes up between he and I at least, oh, maybe once every two months. I always take the contrarian position - "but Dad, I TOTALLY saw this documentary on Netflix that says income tax is illegal cuz the constitution says that Congress can't impose any direct tax on the wages of the citizens." Dad - "jesus christ, you really think that Bill Gates, General Motors, IBM, guys who have attorneys on million-dollar-a-day retainers, would even let something like an income tax go if there was even a shred of a possibility that it could be overturned?? Jesus Christ. The common sense!" Finally, after we go back and forth for a while I hear the magic words - "prove it!"

It's just as fun to lob softballs at my dad as it is to Kevin. Reactions are similar, but Kevin is a little more in on it.

So I run downstairs and start googling things like "constitutionality of income tax" which invariably leads me to wikipedia, the source of all knowledge. Pretty soon I find out about this thing called the Sixteenth Ammendment and I give up any hope of finding a roundabout argument to present to Gary to repeal the income tax.

Now I'm trying to blog. I can't express how unnecessarily hard this is for me. I don't know why I bother. Bothering is not the point. You're just supposed to word vomit to the world and that's that. I will never allow anything to be easy.

I will say, though, that life is starting to rebound. Maybe it's the extra sun, the extra temperature, the extra getting to know people. Maybe it's just the passage of time. It doesn't heal everything, but it gives and creates perspective. Sounds obvious and cliche. But I guess people say it over and over because it has some truth to it. Some things, some people, can't be replaced. Shouldn't be replaced. What can you do if there's nothing to do other than remember? You hold on to what you have, I guess.

I've met some great people over the course of the last month or two. I don't know why but it's coming so easy. It never worked like this in Minneapolis. Maybe this means this is my home. This is my element. The base of operations. Where everybody knows my name. That sort of thing. I actually feel able here to not let little insecurities overwhelm me. This is where I know there are people in my corner. I hesitated last night when talking with a friend about this being my home. I should not have. This IS my home. It has no other choice. I am bound to it and it is bound to me. There's a relationship. There's responsibility.

And time makes it harder
where words already failed,
hold on to those you hold dear.

There's only so much time! This might be the most frustrating and obvious thing of all. Frustrating because we'll never have the personal experience until the end. Sure, we'll see it happen to others, but when it happens to you, when you're watching your very own last few grains of sand trickle to the bottom of the glass, when you actually know that they are yours and they are going and almost gone, it'll be too late to savor the experience. There's no pause button that we know of, Obvious because everything ends and maybe you'll have so many regrets of waking up in the morning lost, unsure, embarassed, and cotton-mouthed, stumbling. There aren't enough doors to get you through this. No one has an answer. No one even pretends to speak the languages you speak.

So if we can't be replaced, if your smile is unique, and your hair is a shade of black that no one else's is (because it is), and you hear something different in every song, or taste some beautiful new regret with every sip, I think we should hear about it. There's gotta be some kind of record for all this. A great book somewhere. We're writing in it all the time. I want to do more of this whatever the outcome.

Where I am at.

Nothing comes to mind.

sweet dreams

Two nights ago I dreamt that I was speaking with what I'm guessing now was an angel of some sorts. I was in a dark room, alone, eyes closed, and in my mind's eye I could see a large silhouette of a head, bluish-green, and it spoke to me. It was offering me in exchange for my life the opportunity to help him with whatever it was he was in charge of doing for eternity. There would be no chance of an afterlife in paradise or hell, just a safe bet, the sure thing of having a place to go and the promise of an everlasting usefulness. It wouldn't be constant toil, I wouldn't be a slave, just a worker on another plane of existence with my own life and free will - to an extant.

I told him I couldn't commit to something like this immediately. Obviously, it's a big, big decision. So he gave me the opportunity to test it out, to intern for a day to see how it fits. All I can remember about the job is climbing a wall of constantly shifting file folders. It was almost like it was its own living entity; there was purpose to the shifts - files would move around and conjoin with other files - it was computing, it was processing. In fact, I remember now it was introduced to me as a computer. It had an inbox and an outbox at the top. That's all I can recall about that. Later, after work I went to a beach with my son - which was apparently one of the perks/requirements of the job. I was given a child to look raise. We went into the water at the beach, him on my shoulders and we were attacked by these prehistoric looking fish with there terrible razor teeth. I'm pretty sure they ate him and I ran out of the water thinking at least I was safe (I had no emotional connection to this child) until one scurried up onto the beach and went for my leg. That's when I woke up.

Last night's dreams were a little more interesting I think. The first one was brief but a good one. I was walking along a ditch that had a metal fence going down the middle of it. It was a long ditch and as I'm trotting along a crow flies down and comes at me from the other side of the fence. It was enormous, as big as me, and it gets caught in the fence. So now it's stuck in the wires and it can still move down the fence but it can't get out of it. It's trying to get at me through the fence, biting at cawing me all the while. I keep heading down the path and it's keeping up with me until we get to the end of the fence. On my side of the ditch, at the end of the path slumped against the slope of the ditch and asleep was my father. The crow worked itself free and went in for the attack on my dad. Somehow or another I took it out, severed its head and after it was dead it morphed into Milhouse from The Simpsons. Yeah.

So then I woke up, turned off the television, and went back to sleep and started dreaming about some war-shrouded world where I lived with a bunch of roommates from the past (Mark, Crile, Ben, etc) and we were escaping town because we were obviously wanted individuals. Luckily though, we had a terminator helping us out and fighting off all the helicopters and jeeps and machine guns that were after us. I remember getting hit in the arm, Mark was plugged pretty solidly all around, and then Crile took the wheel of the London-style double decker bus we were cruising on out with. Bad move on letting Crile take the wheel. He tips the thing taking a turn through a hotel parking lot too fast and I start to jump out and then I'm awake, pissed that I'm back to this boredom, bladder full, and still in need of so much sleep with only an hour until I have to be in my chair with the headset on and taking calls.

Going to Riverside tonight with my dad. Time to honor one of my new year's resolutions and play some poker.

>,

Slow day at work so I'm going to attempt to blog between calls rather chat on facebook, which is my usual time-waster. Apparently, it's okay for me to have my personal computer out while I work since it's fine for a home office and virtual agent/work office to cohabitate though they live in sin. I learned this the other day last week when two of my superiors from Minneapolis decided to do a surprise inspection on my office. That was a bit nerve wracking, but it was fine. I did have to go to Wal-Mart that night and get a few things for my station that I should've had.

So I'm watching Clinton's confirmation hearing, "working", eating a triscuit, and looking out a window, wondering what -5 degrees feels like, scratching my "beard", and realizing that I haven't left the house since Friday night after I got home from the hospital. Yes, I went to the hospital, no I'm not going to write on here why. I'm sure I'm okay, I have a consult with a real doctor on Monday, after that I'll get probed and all will be well.

I'm kinda bummed but I think that's mostly due to not leaving the house. As I mentioned it's fucking cold and I put my car in the ditch Thursday night on my way back from Iowa City. Matt can attest to my superior reflexes as I kept the cool and guided us in and out of the ditch. Caused enough damage to the car that it's going to cost a few bucks to get fixed, but not enough damage to keep us from driving home. Other than that, Thursday was a pretty great night. Excellent show, first real good local show (Boris doesn't count) since I've been back. But nothing will shake these blues.

I've tried but when your presence is defined almost completely by the absence of someone else, and that someone else is your mother - it's like trying to play baseball with a ping pong paddle or throwing a punch in a dream. Nothing ever lands. It's a void I confront every waking hour and it's the one thing on my mind as I try to fall asleep. It is crushing and defeating. I feel just as helpless as I did this summer. If it was 60 degrees outside I'd probably still be hiding out in the basement. I could tell you and I can tell myself that I have no idea what to do but we'd both know that that is wrong. I know exactly what I should be doing. I know because when I think about it I feel peace and comfort. But it's not that easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. Or so they say.

.<

I am surprised by how easy it is to not leave the house for days at a time. To work, live, eat, sleep, all within the same place. Going to Minneapolis this weekend. Hopefully that'll liven things up. So bored/depressed. Wish I had more to say.