This was going to be my voicemail to Ben

So you know that scene in Two Towers at the battle for Helms Deep where that one elven dude is dying and it gets all serious and sad and stuff? Well, that would always piss Ben off so much. I remember after the movie came out he railed on and on about it, how it was super insulting because we just freakin met the character and then all the sudden we're supposed to feel a bunch of grief for him when he dies?

I'm watching Two Towers and I think I figured it out. We aren't supposed to be sad because he's an elf and he died when he didn't have to. We're sad because he's white. All the elves are white. All the good guys in the movie are white. There are no non-white actors in these movies. Except for maybe the bad guys. You never know. But it seems the orcs and goblins are the only beings with dark skin in middle earth. Or then the bad guys on giant elephants, wearing turbans.

An evil lives in the East.

Even more ironic it's called Two Towers. Kinda Hardee's, man.

Fuck, I wish I was playing Flux right now. I can't go back to Iowa this weekend.

three twenty-six

• Make Bouncer Fighter tapes
• Call Cole
• Smoke
• Lay out clothes/shine shoes
• Clean cat boxes
• Wash coffee mug
• Sweep
• Blog

42 minutes ahead of schedule

Top of tonight's to do list: Get in bed before 9 p.m.

The rest is a mystery to all of you.

This is the time of year I start to watch Lord of the Rings almost every night. It's the time of year when being outside doesn't feel so loud. This is the time of year when it doesn't hurt to talk to my parents more often.

This is the time of year when the sun likes to hang out more and Rainer Maria Rilke doesn't make as much sense. This is the time of year one of my companions stopped being a kitten. This time of year more than any I wished I played drums.

And I've always wanted to play drums. Same time last year I was making poor decisions.
Around these days each year I tend to think about a Pagan ex girlfriend.
This is the type of weather where I'll sometimes answer unknown phone calls.

Hey Ben, I just watched Fight Club last night.

I think I'm starting to feel what it must feel like to not care so much. I'm not quite there, but I can feel its inklings. Shouldn't jump the gun. Ben could be right about seasonal affective disorder. I've decided to blog more like him from time to time

So night two of the to-do lists is upon us. Each night will include five or six things I want to get done. Not much on tonight's list. Getting up early. Scored some overtime this week.

I am a working stiff. This new Cex tape is barely allowing me to think right now. At least Side A. I love tapes because they have almost nothing to do with my computer. Side B might allow for all sorts of independent thoughts.

And that seems to be where it could be leading us. I need to call Cole and find out what happened with the Daughters of the Sun mini tour. Then there'll be label business to be talked. We really gotta start sending these tapes out for review. Myspace doesn't sell too many. Because I mean, why would anyone take our words for it? Gotta have them reviews, son.

I enjoy the fact that they'll die eventually. Tapes. They have a lifespan. Just like us. Digital is the false fountain of youth. Crisp and new forever, no respite ever from the harsh ears of reality. But not with tapes. You listen to them die. And it's great. Think about what those tapes sounded like to you after you heard them a million times? They still sounded just as good as they were to you. Remember all those tapes you listened to on the bus when you were in middle school? I bet you fuckin' don't. Not really. You only have that idea. Which is always so much better than the real thing. Tapes are just an idea.

Side B is about to give me a fucking heart attack.

I may go back to Iowa this weekend.

see ya later shit

I was kinda down most of the weekend. Last night, for about an hour or so, I talked to Kevin about my addiction to sadness and how I need to learn how to let things slide. I hold onto the past, I'm terrified of not remembering what I just did, so much so that I'm even more terrified of what could happen next. I wake up in the morning and the first thing on my mind, usually, are the dreams I just had. I spend a lot of time thinking about the dreams I had. But I never do anything with any of this stuff. I just get into these long, drawn out, pointless funks. Well, they're not completely pointless. They make the not-funks seem that much brighter. But there's never any happy medium. There's never an equilibrium, never a moment of contentment.

I suppose that's something I've bred into myself. I've never been a huge go-getter, just have kinda done enough to get by. And I know that about myself. I'm sure there's lots of different reasons why. But what's important to notice at the moment is that scares the shit out of me more than anything. So much so that I spend all this time analyzing all the dumb shit about myself I dislike or beating up on myself for not doing more with my time. I worry worry worry worry.

My skin is awful. My bowels move like a fault line. I haven't had a decent sexual experience in 4 years. I couldn't write a moving line of poetry if my life depended on it. I had to close that sentence off with a cliche. In reference to poetry. I don't have fun with my friends. I'm never satisfied with anything I create musically.

It's time to let all that shit go. Seriously. Looking at all those things now in one gross paragraph, it's a lot easier to see how they ALL feed off one another. It's like the wheel of negativity up there. Blah.

I had a good day at work even though it was one of the busiest days since I've been there. I had a good work out. And I've got a to-do list for myself for tonight that I'm almost through. I talked to Kevin online earlier. I told him I'm feeling pretty decent. He didn't seem to believe me. I don't blame him. But I'm not worried about that or much else at the moment. It's ok to be busy. It's ok to not be busy.

There's really no difference.

so what's new?

I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while. I guess things have been kind of crazy and hectic so I haven't really had the time to log my thoughts. I spent a good week or so working on this tape cassette we put out on the label. It's a split between me and Foul Tip. My first release as a solo artist. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. The show itself went quite well too. There weren't a lot of people there (Sunday night) but all the bands that played were excellent and beyond cool. It really seemed like everyone was genuinely interested in what others were doing. And it was a good mix of sounds too. That doesn't happen too often anymore.

Monday I called in sick for the first time. Apparently it was a good day to be gone. Same day as the Bear Stearns crash. Fucking Jim Cramer, the Friday before, telling everyone to stay in Bear Stearns. Though I guess it wouldn't have mattered so much. If you bought it prior to or on Friday you'd still be fucked anyways. Cramer isn't on until after market close. If anything else, maybe he kept you from panicking all weekend long over something you couldn't have done anything about.

The rest of the week went pretty smooth. Went out to eat with Dori, Liz, and Ben at Mysore one night. The waiter there fucking creeps me out something awful. Thankfully they're getting a new staff soon.

Spent a few nights out at bars watching the Celtics' games. One night went out with Jared and Bjorn. The next night went to a bar by myself. They were okay times. Last night went out with Cahak and his friends whom I am acquaintances with. Left early. Tonight I watched T2 and Rushmore and decided to update this thing.

I was just feeling sorry for myself upon reflecting on how I've spent my Saturday night. But I don't have much fun hanging out with people anyhow. And I've got all day Sunday to be busy. Target took a lot out of me earlier.