Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
sweet dreams
Two nights ago I dreamt that I was speaking with what I'm guessing now was an angel of some sorts. I was in a dark room, alone, eyes closed, and in my mind's eye I could see a large silhouette of a head, bluish-green, and it spoke to me. It was offering me in exchange for my life the opportunity to help him with whatever it was he was in charge of doing for eternity. There would be no chance of an afterlife in paradise or hell, just a safe bet, the sure thing of having a place to go and the promise of an everlasting usefulness. It wouldn't be constant toil, I wouldn't be a slave, just a worker on another plane of existence with my own life and free will - to an extant.
I told him I couldn't commit to something like this immediately. Obviously, it's a big, big decision. So he gave me the opportunity to test it out, to intern for a day to see how it fits. All I can remember about the job is climbing a wall of constantly shifting file folders. It was almost like it was its own living entity; there was purpose to the shifts - files would move around and conjoin with other files - it was computing, it was processing. In fact, I remember now it was introduced to me as a computer. It had an inbox and an outbox at the top. That's all I can recall about that. Later, after work I went to a beach with my son - which was apparently one of the perks/requirements of the job. I was given a child to look raise. We went into the water at the beach, him on my shoulders and we were attacked by these prehistoric looking fish with there terrible razor teeth. I'm pretty sure they ate him and I ran out of the water thinking at least I was safe (I had no emotional connection to this child) until one scurried up onto the beach and went for my leg. That's when I woke up.
Last night's dreams were a little more interesting I think. The first one was brief but a good one. I was walking along a ditch that had a metal fence going down the middle of it. It was a long ditch and as I'm trotting along a crow flies down and comes at me from the other side of the fence. It was enormous, as big as me, and it gets caught in the fence. So now it's stuck in the wires and it can still move down the fence but it can't get out of it. It's trying to get at me through the fence, biting at cawing me all the while. I keep heading down the path and it's keeping up with me until we get to the end of the fence. On my side of the ditch, at the end of the path slumped against the slope of the ditch and asleep was my father. The crow worked itself free and went in for the attack on my dad. Somehow or another I took it out, severed its head and after it was dead it morphed into Milhouse from The Simpsons. Yeah.
So then I woke up, turned off the television, and went back to sleep and started dreaming about some war-shrouded world where I lived with a bunch of roommates from the past (Mark, Crile, Ben, etc) and we were escaping town because we were obviously wanted individuals. Luckily though, we had a terminator helping us out and fighting off all the helicopters and jeeps and machine guns that were after us. I remember getting hit in the arm, Mark was plugged pretty solidly all around, and then Crile took the wheel of the London-style double decker bus we were cruising on out with. Bad move on letting Crile take the wheel. He tips the thing taking a turn through a hotel parking lot too fast and I start to jump out and then I'm awake, pissed that I'm back to this boredom, bladder full, and still in need of so much sleep with only an hour until I have to be in my chair with the headset on and taking calls.
Going to Riverside tonight with my dad. Time to honor one of my new year's resolutions and play some poker.
I told him I couldn't commit to something like this immediately. Obviously, it's a big, big decision. So he gave me the opportunity to test it out, to intern for a day to see how it fits. All I can remember about the job is climbing a wall of constantly shifting file folders. It was almost like it was its own living entity; there was purpose to the shifts - files would move around and conjoin with other files - it was computing, it was processing. In fact, I remember now it was introduced to me as a computer. It had an inbox and an outbox at the top. That's all I can recall about that. Later, after work I went to a beach with my son - which was apparently one of the perks/requirements of the job. I was given a child to look raise. We went into the water at the beach, him on my shoulders and we were attacked by these prehistoric looking fish with there terrible razor teeth. I'm pretty sure they ate him and I ran out of the water thinking at least I was safe (I had no emotional connection to this child) until one scurried up onto the beach and went for my leg. That's when I woke up.
Last night's dreams were a little more interesting I think. The first one was brief but a good one. I was walking along a ditch that had a metal fence going down the middle of it. It was a long ditch and as I'm trotting along a crow flies down and comes at me from the other side of the fence. It was enormous, as big as me, and it gets caught in the fence. So now it's stuck in the wires and it can still move down the fence but it can't get out of it. It's trying to get at me through the fence, biting at cawing me all the while. I keep heading down the path and it's keeping up with me until we get to the end of the fence. On my side of the ditch, at the end of the path slumped against the slope of the ditch and asleep was my father. The crow worked itself free and went in for the attack on my dad. Somehow or another I took it out, severed its head and after it was dead it morphed into Milhouse from The Simpsons. Yeah.
So then I woke up, turned off the television, and went back to sleep and started dreaming about some war-shrouded world where I lived with a bunch of roommates from the past (Mark, Crile, Ben, etc) and we were escaping town because we were obviously wanted individuals. Luckily though, we had a terminator helping us out and fighting off all the helicopters and jeeps and machine guns that were after us. I remember getting hit in the arm, Mark was plugged pretty solidly all around, and then Crile took the wheel of the London-style double decker bus we were cruising on out with. Bad move on letting Crile take the wheel. He tips the thing taking a turn through a hotel parking lot too fast and I start to jump out and then I'm awake, pissed that I'm back to this boredom, bladder full, and still in need of so much sleep with only an hour until I have to be in my chair with the headset on and taking calls.
Going to Riverside tonight with my dad. Time to honor one of my new year's resolutions and play some poker.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
>,
Slow day at work so I'm going to attempt to blog between calls rather chat on facebook, which is my usual time-waster. Apparently, it's okay for me to have my personal computer out while I work since it's fine for a home office and virtual agent/work office to cohabitate though they live in sin. I learned this the other day last week when two of my superiors from Minneapolis decided to do a surprise inspection on my office. That was a bit nerve wracking, but it was fine. I did have to go to Wal-Mart that night and get a few things for my station that I should've had.
So I'm watching Clinton's confirmation hearing, "working", eating a triscuit, and looking out a window, wondering what -5 degrees feels like, scratching my "beard", and realizing that I haven't left the house since Friday night after I got home from the hospital. Yes, I went to the hospital, no I'm not going to write on here why. I'm sure I'm okay, I have a consult with a real doctor on Monday, after that I'll get probed and all will be well.
I'm kinda bummed but I think that's mostly due to not leaving the house. As I mentioned it's fucking cold and I put my car in the ditch Thursday night on my way back from Iowa City. Matt can attest to my superior reflexes as I kept the cool and guided us in and out of the ditch. Caused enough damage to the car that it's going to cost a few bucks to get fixed, but not enough damage to keep us from driving home. Other than that, Thursday was a pretty great night. Excellent show, first real good local show (Boris doesn't count) since I've been back. But nothing will shake these blues.
I've tried but when your presence is defined almost completely by the absence of someone else, and that someone else is your mother - it's like trying to play baseball with a ping pong paddle or throwing a punch in a dream. Nothing ever lands. It's a void I confront every waking hour and it's the one thing on my mind as I try to fall asleep. It is crushing and defeating. I feel just as helpless as I did this summer. If it was 60 degrees outside I'd probably still be hiding out in the basement. I could tell you and I can tell myself that I have no idea what to do but we'd both know that that is wrong. I know exactly what I should be doing. I know because when I think about it I feel peace and comfort. But it's not that easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. Or so they say.
So I'm watching Clinton's confirmation hearing, "working", eating a triscuit, and looking out a window, wondering what -5 degrees feels like, scratching my "beard", and realizing that I haven't left the house since Friday night after I got home from the hospital. Yes, I went to the hospital, no I'm not going to write on here why. I'm sure I'm okay, I have a consult with a real doctor on Monday, after that I'll get probed and all will be well.
I'm kinda bummed but I think that's mostly due to not leaving the house. As I mentioned it's fucking cold and I put my car in the ditch Thursday night on my way back from Iowa City. Matt can attest to my superior reflexes as I kept the cool and guided us in and out of the ditch. Caused enough damage to the car that it's going to cost a few bucks to get fixed, but not enough damage to keep us from driving home. Other than that, Thursday was a pretty great night. Excellent show, first real good local show (Boris doesn't count) since I've been back. But nothing will shake these blues.
I've tried but when your presence is defined almost completely by the absence of someone else, and that someone else is your mother - it's like trying to play baseball with a ping pong paddle or throwing a punch in a dream. Nothing ever lands. It's a void I confront every waking hour and it's the one thing on my mind as I try to fall asleep. It is crushing and defeating. I feel just as helpless as I did this summer. If it was 60 degrees outside I'd probably still be hiding out in the basement. I could tell you and I can tell myself that I have no idea what to do but we'd both know that that is wrong. I know exactly what I should be doing. I know because when I think about it I feel peace and comfort. But it's not that easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. Or so they say.
Monday, January 12, 2009
.<
I am surprised by how easy it is to not leave the house for days at a time. To work, live, eat, sleep, all within the same place. Going to Minneapolis this weekend. Hopefully that'll liven things up. So bored/depressed. Wish I had more to say.
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