see ya later shit

I was kinda down most of the weekend. Last night, for about an hour or so, I talked to Kevin about my addiction to sadness and how I need to learn how to let things slide. I hold onto the past, I'm terrified of not remembering what I just did, so much so that I'm even more terrified of what could happen next. I wake up in the morning and the first thing on my mind, usually, are the dreams I just had. I spend a lot of time thinking about the dreams I had. But I never do anything with any of this stuff. I just get into these long, drawn out, pointless funks. Well, they're not completely pointless. They make the not-funks seem that much brighter. But there's never any happy medium. There's never an equilibrium, never a moment of contentment.

I suppose that's something I've bred into myself. I've never been a huge go-getter, just have kinda done enough to get by. And I know that about myself. I'm sure there's lots of different reasons why. But what's important to notice at the moment is that scares the shit out of me more than anything. So much so that I spend all this time analyzing all the dumb shit about myself I dislike or beating up on myself for not doing more with my time. I worry worry worry worry.

My skin is awful. My bowels move like a fault line. I haven't had a decent sexual experience in 4 years. I couldn't write a moving line of poetry if my life depended on it. I had to close that sentence off with a cliche. In reference to poetry. I don't have fun with my friends. I'm never satisfied with anything I create musically.

It's time to let all that shit go. Seriously. Looking at all those things now in one gross paragraph, it's a lot easier to see how they ALL feed off one another. It's like the wheel of negativity up there. Blah.

I had a good day at work even though it was one of the busiest days since I've been there. I had a good work out. And I've got a to-do list for myself for tonight that I'm almost through. I talked to Kevin online earlier. I told him I'm feeling pretty decent. He didn't seem to believe me. I don't blame him. But I'm not worried about that or much else at the moment. It's ok to be busy. It's ok to not be busy.

There's really no difference.