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Slow day at work so I'm going to attempt to blog between calls rather chat on facebook, which is my usual time-waster. Apparently, it's okay for me to have my personal computer out while I work since it's fine for a home office and virtual agent/work office to cohabitate though they live in sin. I learned this the other day last week when two of my superiors from Minneapolis decided to do a surprise inspection on my office. That was a bit nerve wracking, but it was fine. I did have to go to Wal-Mart that night and get a few things for my station that I should've had.

So I'm watching Clinton's confirmation hearing, "working", eating a triscuit, and looking out a window, wondering what -5 degrees feels like, scratching my "beard", and realizing that I haven't left the house since Friday night after I got home from the hospital. Yes, I went to the hospital, no I'm not going to write on here why. I'm sure I'm okay, I have a consult with a real doctor on Monday, after that I'll get probed and all will be well.

I'm kinda bummed but I think that's mostly due to not leaving the house. As I mentioned it's fucking cold and I put my car in the ditch Thursday night on my way back from Iowa City. Matt can attest to my superior reflexes as I kept the cool and guided us in and out of the ditch. Caused enough damage to the car that it's going to cost a few bucks to get fixed, but not enough damage to keep us from driving home. Other than that, Thursday was a pretty great night. Excellent show, first real good local show (Boris doesn't count) since I've been back. But nothing will shake these blues.

I've tried but when your presence is defined almost completely by the absence of someone else, and that someone else is your mother - it's like trying to play baseball with a ping pong paddle or throwing a punch in a dream. Nothing ever lands. It's a void I confront every waking hour and it's the one thing on my mind as I try to fall asleep. It is crushing and defeating. I feel just as helpless as I did this summer. If it was 60 degrees outside I'd probably still be hiding out in the basement. I could tell you and I can tell myself that I have no idea what to do but we'd both know that that is wrong. I know exactly what I should be doing. I know because when I think about it I feel peace and comfort. But it's not that easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. Or so they say.