this is what happens during the nba off season

Why I continue to type out these posts on my tablet rather than on my laptop is almost beyond me. Last night I had drunkenness as an excuse. Tonight laziness will have to suffice. PRETTY FUCKING LAZY. Laptop is in the next room. But here I am, and here is convenience. On my lap and in my bed. And that's just how it's going to be tonight. Plus I like the challenge of typing on this touch pad keyboard. So anyhow, I'm still a little jazzed on this idea of becoming a confident person through near will alone. It's something I decided the other night in the park with Nadia. We had just come from a party and decided to take a walk to college green park before we headed back to my place for the evening. I found myself apologizing for basically not being the life of the party. Which was so dumb for a number of reasons, not least of which would've been that she was one of the only people I really knew at the party. And she of course in her usual sweetness told me not to worry, that the people at that party were a little awkward in their own right, and I needn't expect that I would be the social catalyst for the affair. It was her kindness that sort of kicked my ass. What I mean is I KNEW I was being insecure and issuing a needless apology as the words were coming out of my mouth. And maybe i just haven't exhausted her kindness and patience yet, but I don't want to run that risk. Not just for her, but for me. I don't want to rely on this kindness; this wonderful fossil fuel of an emotion. Basically, it's just going to save everyone a lot of time and trouble and second guessing in the long run if this needless insecurity is just given up. Sounds easier said than done, I know. But the idea of invoking this kind of change through choice, through decision alone is incredibly empowering. There's a feeling of control over myself and my destiny that doesn't come with apologies and false modesty. I feel responsible and charged just thinking about it. Which is nice.