Can't sleep though I just was

I've been lying in bed for the past hour or so unable to sleep. I slept previously from 9 p.m. till 11 p.m. I can't shut off my desk lamp. For some reason I don't want to be alone in the dark. Under the covers, beneath the light of the lamp from across the room I listened to some music, I thought about killing myself, I tried to pray, I tried to write, and then I played with Underworld Dreams. She, for some reason, did not care too much for me praying. Started crying as I knelt. I rarely ever do pray, usually only when I'm back in Muscatine and the usual reversion-to-childhood mode sets in right before I decide it's time to go exploring in the basement. I only see long years like this ahead of me; trying to get ahead, trying to get some money in the bank, alone and wondering when or if my contempt for myself and others will ever just go away. That's what I asked God for. We'll see what happens.