If you know me none of this will come as a surprise

So my last holiday vacation of the year is over. It wasn't much. I spent my time at home, back in Iowa. Most of it with family, some of it, not enough, with friends. I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to be nice to my parents. They really can't say much to me without me getting annoyed or frustrated. They feel like they are on eggshells around me. Other people have said this to me before. I don't quite know why I get like that. I have a tendency to make others feel stupid or judged, I've noticed. It's never been my intention to make people feel like that. I run out of patience easily. I jump to conclusions. I assume that most people know what I'm talking about. I'm kind of a resentful, hate-filled, son of a bitch. Or maybe that's just who I am part of the time.

Because you have to get that way, no one is ever just born a hate filled s.o.b. I think I pinpointed a major source of resentment this weekend with my parents. My relationship with them is a bit superficial. We talk, but we don't talk about anything. It's like they're almost afraid to get to know me. There's 3 things they want to know when we talk: how's the car running, how's work going, what's the weather like up here. I know they care about me. My dad still shakes my hand and will never say "I love you" unless I say it first - and sometimes not even then. My mother tries, but I can tell she's not really interested. She's just kind enough to know that it means something to me that she gives a damn. The only person I can talk to is my sister. She feels the same about me. Our family is trying to plan a week long reunion in Yellowstone National Park. I can't begin to tell you how unappealing this idea is to me.

Am I really this spoiled?

I used to pride myself on my honesty. But this past week I've been a liar. I've been only vaguely honest with myself and, at best, deceptive towards those I love and care about. I must be afraid that I have something to lose. Or maybe I'm just tired of dealing. Either way, I think I have some letters to write.